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“Who is the ‘friend who sticks closer than a brother’?”

The line comes from a section of Proverbs attributed to King Solomon. Many Hebrew proverbs state a truism twice in slightly different words. Other times, the two statements contrast. Either way, the first line usually provides a clue to the interpretation of the second, or vice versa. In interpreting proverbs or poetry, I try to let whichever part is easiest to understand guide me through the bit that’s a little tougher.

In this case … hoo boy, good luck.

Showing Yourself Friendly ….

You may see the problem shortly if you’re not already familiar with it. The entire proverb reads as follows:

“A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

These are our two parallel statements. As I say, my usual approach when asked about the second line of a proverb is to look at the first. The version I’ve quoted is the ESV. The more familiar version of the first line comes from the King James, where it reads, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly.”

That’s traditional, to be sure. My mom would quote it to us as kids to emphasize the importance of getting out there in every new situation and taking social initiative with others. Probably her entire generation was raised with that understanding of the text: “If you want friends, show you’re willing to be one.” It’s certainly a valid principle, and you can probably find other passages in scripture to support the idea, but experience tells us being proactively sociable and even affectionate doesn’t come with any iron-clad guarantees. I’ve offered a genial welcome to many who abused or ignored it. Equally, I’ve had people with whom I’ve made no effort at all show me genuine, unexpected kinship.

… or Coming to Ruin

In fact, the KJV’s take on the meaning is debatable, as this side-by-side examination of a couple dozen English translations makes evident. Firstly, the KJV translates two different Hebrew words as “friends”: the former [רֵעִים, transliterated as rēa] meaning a neighbor or acquaintance, the latter [אֹהֵב, transliterated as 'āhaḇ] meaning a loved one. The two are not precisely synonymous even in casual use, meaning it’s likely this is a ‘contrast proverb’ rather than a ‘restatement proverb’. Secondly, the KJV renders לְהִתְרֹעֵעַ as “must show himself friendly”, when the dictionary definition of the first part of the word means “displeasing” or “injurious” in nearly every instance it is used in the Old Testament. Even the KJV translates it as “vexed”, “evil”, “afflicted” or something equally horrible every time it appears … with this singular proverbial exception. At least half the more venerable commentaries on the KJV reflect this, with Keil and Delitzsch, Ellicott, Barnes, the Cambridge Bible and The Pulpit Commentary summarily correcting it. Those commentators who take the KJV’s rendering at face value show no evidence of having examined the Hebrew.

So then, whether you look at the English consensus or the original language, it seems as if the ESV’s interpretation is closer to the intended meaning, which is probably something like “A man with a multitude of acquaintances may find himself in trouble.”

The Friend Who Sticks Closer

Assuming we have solved the first line of the proverb, and assuming the writer intended it as a contrast, which seems most plausible given the distinct word choices, let’s proceed with line 2.

As mentioned earlier, this second word translated “friend” by the KJV, the one who “sticks closer than a brother”, is a word that conveys strong affection rather than just familiarity. The first time it appears in scripture, it is used of Abraham’s affection for his son Isaac. Subsequent Old Testament relationships about which it is used include Isaac’s affection for Rebekah and Esau (not to mention savory meat), Jacob’s love for Rachel, the ill-fated Shechem’s infatuation with Dinah, Jacob’s preference for Joseph over his brothers, and a loyalty so profound that a servant would rather continue working for his master than obtain his freedom. The vast majority of the time אֹהֵב appears in the Old Testament, it means “loved one”.

If I may paraphrase, then, I suspect the intended meaning of the proverb is something like this:

“Even a man of many acquaintances may find himself in trouble,
but love shows itself more faithful in time of need than family duty.”

Thinking About It

I have a brother who lives two hours’ drive away. I have another brother who lives four hours’ drive away. Both have been there for me during crises over the years, and I greatly appreciate their willingness to offer help at a moment’s notice. They are true friends as well as family members.

I recognize this is not the case with some families. One of my friends has been hospitalized for over a year. Two of his sisters come to see him weekly. Another has flown in from Vancouver twice to spend weeks cleaning his apartment and taking him outside in his wheelchair. I’ve been in to see him a couple dozen times, fewer than I might, but certainly more than his elder brother, who managed one brief appearance before making himself scarce. He’s not hateful or nasty, and he surely has his reasons, but you would not call him a “friend in need” either.

I also recognize my own brothers’ assistance at just the right time was only possible because of technology. Without a working vehicle and gas in the tank, they could not have gotten to me in my hour of need anymore than if they lived in Antarctica. This is also true of my friend’s sister from Vancouver. Without a cross-country flight, she’d never see him again. Distances in Israel are not so great as in Canada, but many of the same issues apply, as Solomon well understood. When a need is time-sensitive, anyone close at hand who is willing to help is preferable to a well-intended relative living at a distance who cannot possibly assist.

But let’s be real: proximity is frequently a function of personal choice. A love that chooses to stick close by is not to be trivialized.

No Casual Friendship

The kind of loyalty, love and commitment that appears as required is no casual affection. It is probably for this reason that the term “friend who sticks closer than a brother” is most often applied to God, or more specifically to the Lord Jesus. I very much doubt that was Solomon’s intention when he wrote the verse. Explicit Messianic allusions are rare in his work, and truly prophetic statements fewer and further between than, say, in his father’s writing.

Nevertheless, Matthew Henry freely makes this association:

“Christ Jesus never will forsake those who trust in and love him. May we be such friends to others, for our Master’s sake. Having loved his own, which were in the world, he loved them unto the end; and we are his friends if we do whatever he commands us.”

Indeed. Intended or otherwise, it’s probably the most common use of the passage among believers.

Really, who could argue? The most intense human relationships may fail. Christ never will.