Learning to live biblically requires we cultivate the practice of maintaining complementary truths in balance with one another. It is insufficient to establish rules for life from a single proof text while ignoring other relevant passages that may modify, limit or otherwise contextualize it. We need to ensure we have considered the whole counsel of God on a given subject, rather than simply grabbing an outlying verse that appears to give us clear direction only when taken in isolation.
So what about multi-generational households? Is this allegedly-biblical practice something Christians should consider?
Multi-Generational Households
Recently, I came across this question from Christians struggling with the concept of multiple self-appointed authority figures living under the same roof:
“While we approve of honoring the fifth commandment, and we like the idea of inter-generational households, one side of our family is extremely overbearing and even, to some extent, controlling.”
This would not be the first time that what appears to be a reasonable application of a biblical teaching (the fifth commandment) became a source of ongoing conflict. Sharing a household with strongly opinionated senior family members can be a recipe for unrest. What’s needed is the whole counsel of God concerning families.
We need to balance the teaching of the fifth commandment:
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
with the teaching of verses like Genesis 2:24:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.”
This latter scripture is as important, or perhaps even more important, in operating an orderly household before God.
The Fifth Commandment
Don’t get me wrong, the fifth commandment is indeed a critical piece of scripture with respect to family responsibilities. Let’s not minimize its applications or try to diminish our responsibility to parents as they age and as we establish our own independence. Our Lord rebuked the Pharisees for “making void the word of God by your tradition” concerning the question of honoring father and mother. They were teaching that a man could fulfil his financial responsibilities to his parents by giving to God instead, which lined the pockets of the religious authorities but left elderly Jewish moms and dads destitute in the name of God. Not the kind of “honoring” the Lord had in mind, and he cited the fifth commandment to prove it was wrong.
Still, as important as the fifth commandment may be, it’s not the only biblical word on the subject of parents and their role in the lives of adult children. In fact, the teaching that marriage establishes a bond between husbands and wives that transcends and eclipses the parent/child bond precedes the Law of Moses, applying not just to families in Israel but to any wise man reading the word of God. Leaving father and mother, then, is not “dishonoring” them. It is normal practice for a man seeking to order his home life by the leading of the Holy Spirit.*
Leaving and Cleaving
Why would a man leave father and mother and cleave to his wife? One solid reason is headship. “The husband,” says Paul, “is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church.” The establishment of every new home forms a hierarchy in which the man becomes responsible to mediate the direction of God to his family and receives the Lord’s authority and support in doing so. Paul’s teaching here is not a one-off. You can find the same concept in 1 Corinthians, Colossians and 1 Peter, and the apostle quotes Genesis 2:24 in Ephesians as his authority. Note that the head of the wife is not the venerable family patriarch, but her husband, notwithstanding his relative youth and inexperience compared to his own father or hers. In the same passages, children are taught to obey their parents, not their grandparents or extended family members.
Putting Genesis 2 and its explanatory New Testament passages together with the fifth commandment allows us to contextualize the scriptural idea of “honoring” a parent. The complementary passages make it evident “honoring”, while very important, does not trump every other spiritual consideration. The meaning of “honoring” also changes over time as a man matures and grows into independence and adulthood. As a child under his father’s roof, “honoring” always means obedience, as the scriptures teach. Outside his parents’ home, however, the man is responsible directly to God. No longer does he rigidly observe his parents’ wishes or subordinate his own conscience to their interpretations of scripture, though he may certainly make use of their wisdom in his decision-making when appropriate. His accountability to God is not mediated by the opinions of others. “Honoring” at this stage of his life takes other forms. If it does not, he has not grown up.
Authorities in Conflict
A second consideration in multi-generational households is confusion. Two perceived biblical authority figures living under the same roof and attempting to wield authority is a potential source of chaos, especially when their views are in opposition. While everyone should be clear that the husband is the head of the wife, it’s sometimes tempting for a husband to try to keep peace at the expense of establishing unambiguous lines of authority. It’s also tempting for a wife who disagrees with her husband to look to family members or in-laws for support. This is a bad enough practice when it happens over the phone or internet, and an even worse one when it happens over the dinner table. A husband who accepts such interference as his lot in life loses his wife’s respect, even when she’s the one bringing family members into their private discussions.
Just as broken marriages cause confusion for children trying to obey fathers and mothers in conflict with one another, so multiple authorities from different generations operating under the same roof will not provide family members with effective, consistent, biblical direction. No man can serve two masters, and even the most spiritual child will be tempted to listen to the authority figure who tells him what he wants to hear.
When It Works and When It Doesn’t
I too like the idea of multi-generational households as an alternative to institutionalized care for seniors. There are times when failing health makes institutionalization unavoidable, but for all the convenience they may afford, institutions are poor substitutes for the care and love of family.
However, the potential hazards of such an arrangement need to be taken into consideration. So long as Grandpa (or Grandma!) view and conduct themselves as authority figures rather than honored guests in someone else’s household, they will sabotage or compromise the God-given order of the home. The time for a multi-generational household is when one’s parents are no longer able to operate on their own and have conceded that reality.
So long as Grandma and Grandpa are still functioning as a husband-and-wife unit before the Lord, and are healthy, fit and able to manage their own finances and property maintenance, I believe they are better off doing so. In this case, the fifth commandment may be best observed by helping one’s parents maintain their independence as long as possible, rather than by creating a multi-generational household too early and leading to an atmosphere of perpetual conflict.
___________________________
* It may be asked whether it is necessary for a wife to leave father and mother since this is not explicitly commanded in the text. In other words, is it okay for a man and his wife to form an multi-generational household with her parents instead of his? I think the answer to that is that scripture rarely forbids practices that the vast majority of its original readership would never have thought to engage in. You will search your Bible in vain for either a command or positive historical precedent concerning moving in with the in-laws. For Jacob, raising a family under Laban’s roof was a nightmare. He did not come into his own until he took his family back to Canaan, and even then he experienced all sorts of ongoing stresses and complications directly related to his time in his father-in-law’s household.
No comments :
Post a Comment