Letters from the Best Man (8)

The following is absolutely fictional and increasingly common. There is no Brad and definitely no Jill, in case that is not obvious. There are, however, way too many people in their position.

You still up, Tom?

Sadly. Surprised you are. Don’t you have to be out the door by six-thirty?

Can’t sleep. Decisions, decisions …

What’s on your mind, Brad?

Two girls. Well, women, obviously. Friends who started coming to my Thursday Bible study.

And?

They’re both showing obvious interest in me.

This is a bad thing?

I thought you might think so. I was going to write you another letter. Texting seemed quicker.

Refresh my memory … why would I think you finally moving on from Jill is a bad thing?

Well, you were kind of equivocal about Christians remarrying, if I remember correctly. I’ve got the letter somewhere …

No need. I remember now. I wasn’t equivocating, bud. I was just a little concerned you might be thinking too much about other possibilities before the judge’s ink was dry on Jill’s divorce decree. Let me think: that was the end of 2017. Feels like we’ve both lived three lifetimes since then.

So what took you so long?

COVID, for starters. When Winston Heights stopped having services, it also killed the fellowship night you encouraged me to start at the house. That was a real disappointment. It was going better than I ever could’ve imagined. One week, I had fifteen believers from the chapel and a neighbor couple who walked in. Amazingly, there were enough ribs for everyone. Kind of a “feeding the 5,000” moment.

Then came the scamdemic, and it was Zoom-only for a year and a half. So much for my social life! But it also kept me out of circulation until Jill had gotten her divorce, even if I had been tempted. Probably a good thing. Then in 2022, I restarted the fellowship night every Thursday as a Bible study for young Christians in my new apartment. That seemed to be a bigger need. Fewer bodies, but the conversation is way more intense. We still eat together regularly, but we’ve had some serious discussions about scripture. And it sure kept me occupied. I’ve been working less, and reading and writing more.

Well, that’s all I was concerned about when I cautioned you not to think too far ahead. Keeping you out of circulation, I mean. J

All good then. So, if you had been writing about remarriage back then, what would you have said? I’m curious.

Well, you’re familiar with the so-called exception clause in Matthew 5: “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” And the Lord said it again in Matthew 19. So it obviously means something. Though John Piper doesn’t think so. And I’ve seen others who say the exception wasn’t actually intended to be an exception.

Yes, but what do YOU think, Tom?

It does start with the word “except” … in Greek as well as English.

I think if Jill hadn’t been sexually immoral with that married guy before she left you, she certainly is now that they are living together. It sounds to me like the Lord never intended a (comparatively) innocent party to be bound for life by somebody else’s sinful choices. But the important thing isn’t what I think. It’s your own conscience before the Lord, obviously. Violate that, and you’ll be miserable, or at least perpetually doubtful. You know how double-minded men are …

Understood. And that’s not really the problem with these two gals. My freedom to remarry, I mean.

Okay, you’ve got me interested now. What exactly IS the problem, Brad?

They’re both really appealing women in different ways. Barb can basically finish my sentences. We’re very compatible. Her ex-husband has remarried too. It’s like my situation in reverse. But if I’m honest, I find Rebekah more physically attractive and exciting, though I’m not sure she’d be hospitable. It sounds like she has most of her meals in restaurants. And she is a little on the heavy side, which wouldn’t bother me except I feel like there might be self-control issues to be concerned about. Spiritually, it’s probably a saw-off. They are both committed Christians, hard-working, enjoy the scriptures …

I’m still looking for a major problem here.

You’re going to laugh. I feel like I should be more interested than I am.

Come again?

Okay, I guess that requires more of an explanation. Jill and I were not great for years. It was wonderful when we were going out. She was super-supportive, spiritually alert, funny, carefree. Then, after maybe a year of being married, she became moody, maybe even a little paranoid. She was getting into arguments with people at work over trivia, and then bringing it home and venting about it all night, every night. She thought people at church were being hostile when it seemed to me they were just shy or awkward. She picked fights all the time. I felt like I spent all my time trying to manage her emotions, and she would get angry any time she thought I was being less than fully supportive of the way she perceived her relationships. But it was difficult. I could see she was instigating some of the problems she experienced with people, and I was trying to encourage her not to do that.

I didn’t know that.

It’s not a situation I felt free to talk about. But what happened about two months after Jill walked out the door and I had begun to get used to the new reality, is that I felt this huge wave of relief. I still wanted my wife back, but I sure didn’t want to live with all that conflict. And then I started having people over every week, and my life was suddenly full of good things. More time to study the Word. A quiet time every morning before work. More freedom to choose how to spend my time. No dickering over every little choice and compromising most of the time. No skimpy salad-only dinners because she was on a diet, so I couldn’t eat anything she couldn’t. No dreadful TV shows I could barely get through.

Tom, I’m realizing I’m not sure I want to give that up. Is that normal?

Hah. So, Brad, you’re basically telling me an unmarried man is anxious about how to please the Lord, but a married man’s interests are divided? Boy, that really sounds familiar …

You know, I don’t think it would hurt you to re-read 1 Corinthians 7, bud, and watch how many times Paul says commendable things about being single. I don’t think he was a closet misogynist. He genuinely wanted the Corinthians to be free from anxieties. That sounds exactly like what you are describing.

Is what you’re feeling common? Maybe not. But it sure sounds normal to me.

I’ve been reading a book written by a Christian who’s never been married and probably never will be. He talks about something he calls “kitchen floor moments” when he just sits on the floor and cries from loneliness. Maybe I felt overwhelmed for the first couple months Jill was gone, but I never feel like that now. Cry from loneliness, are you kidding? Sometimes I feel like I could use a night off with all the activities going on at church.

What I’m asking is which of us has the right perspective on his situation?

I don’t know if there’s a “right perspective” on loneliness, because everybody is different. For one, this guy you’re talking about has never had the experience of marriage, so he’s fighting an imagination full of things that might never happen in any alternate universe. He sees other couples together and thinks the way they are in public is the way they are in private, and imagines marriage is all about companionship and fulfillment. And it can be. But not every marriage is like that. Yours clearly wasn’t.

Brad, there is something very different about looking at marriage in the rearview mirror rather than through the windshield. You can see what was good about it, but you are also brutally realistic about the costs associated with it. Nobody looking forward to marriage knows what they are actually getting into until they take the leap. Maybe you’re just not ready to leap again, and that’s fine.

Whew! Thank you. I thought I was getting a little nutty there. It’s not that I can never see myself remarrying, Tom. It’s just I’m not feeling any urgency about it. And I’d want to be very, very sure what I was getting into.

So what do I do about Barb and Rebekah? I don’t want to lead anybody on.

No, of course not. I would say treat them as sisters, in all purity. Enjoy their company but don’t spend all night texting them, or a lot of time with either one alone. If you want to make sure the situation is clear, you could always offer to set them up with Gavin and Kev. That sends the message without being insulting, and I doubt those guys would mind.

Well, yeah. The other problem is Barb and Rebekah are close friends. I don’t know how well that might work if I chose one over the other. Women can be very competitive, and that includes Christians.

Whoof! Indeed. No, I’d say enjoy the Bible studies, hope they hang around and see how you feel down the road. Sounds like you’re in a really good place right now. I’m so happy to hear it, I don’t even mind that it’s almost 2:00 a.m. …

Oh man, sorry. Hit the sack. Talk to you soon, Tom.

Sleep well, Brad.