The following is absolutely fictional and
increasingly common. There is no Brad and definitely no Jill, in case that is not obvious.
There are, however, way too many people in their position.
Dear Brad,
I know you were sure
you and Jill were forever — or at least until the Lord would call one of
you home. When you say this is the worst you’ve ever felt in your life, I
don’t doubt it at all. I love you, man. Believe that.
I’m going to take a little more time than you might expect to respond to parts of your email, not
because the questions you’re asking don’t matter, but because they absolutely do.
I want to give careful consideration and prayer to everything I’m going to say,
not least because you have always paid way more attention to my opinion than
was often deserved.
Get Thee to Church. Really.
So, first things
first: Yes, ABSOLUTELY you should go to church this week, especially because
you are feeling that maybe you shouldn’t. You’re weighing your commitment to
your Junior Boys class against your desire to give Jill as much time as
possible to change her mind before the story gets out, when positions will get
entrenched and people will start taking sides. This is noble, but I know you
are a realist by nature and understand that Jill would not leave you on a whim.
You mention further down that Jill’s mom has frosted you out. That tells me two
things: (1) Jill has gone public to some extent at least, and (2) if
Dorothy’s on board, any possible reconciliation is going to be a long-term
project. You know Jill’s mom has never forgiven her own dad for her parents’ breakup, and
if she doesn’t actively hate men, she certainly suspects us all of something. Where
keeping the separation quiet is concerned, I’m afraid that ship has probably sailed.
Moreover, you owe it
to your elders to let them know what’s going on in your life. I know you know
this, but those boys in your class are a trust from God. You’ve done a great job with them so far, and you don’t want them to find out
about this through the grapevine, do you?
One further thing on
that subject, and I hope this doesn’t hurt too much: I think you would be well
advised to resign from your church responsibilities effective immediately,
including the boy’s class. At very least you should make the offer. For one,
you need to concentrate on your marriage and what happens next. That’s obvious.
You’re bound to become so distracted over the next weeks and months that doing
a good job with the boys will be very tough indeed. And you owe it to your marriage
to prioritize it. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know there.
Two Versions of Events
But secondly, Jill is
going to have her own version of events, and you will probably not be too shocked
to discover that it will differ from yours significantly. Chances are she will
believe it, or parts of it. When you repeat a story over and over, especially
to sympathetic listeners, you tend to crystallize it in your own mind. Memory
is a tricky thing that way.
In short, assuming
Jill decides to speak to the elders at all, you will very likely find yourself the
bad guy in the narrative. The world may accept all kinds of lame excuses for ending a marriage, but in Christian circles a woman who leaves a good man is still a bad person. That’s not a story anyone is inclined to tell about themselves. So whether or not you were a bad husband, Brad, you are one now,
at least whenever Jill is asked to tell the tale. The sort of “bad” may not be anything too
horrendous by traditional standards. Perhaps you were insensitive. Perhaps you
worked too much. Perhaps you wouldn’t share your feelings. Perhaps you were bad
in ways she is reluctant to define, which has the unfortunate effect of making
you look even worse, because people are left to fill in the blanks, and
few people in these days of social media can reserve judgment for more than a
millisecond. That goes for Christians too, sadly.
So there will be two
versions of events extant, and the elders will be trying to piece the truth
together. In doing so, they are bound to be cautious, which will hurt, because
(at least in my completely biased estimation) if you are at fault, Brad, your
fault is comparatively small. To be under the microscope is painful when you
are not the guilty party.
Turtles With Heart
But their caution is actually a good thing, painful though it may be. This is, after all,
their job. They are to “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the
flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.” The church does not belong to them, it belongs to Christ. You know that. They know that. While they have the spiritual obligation to deal with you and Jill
as the Lord himself would deal with you, they do not generally have his instant
knack of knowing what is in a man. So don’t hold their caution about you against them. There are godly men there
at Winston Heights. They will do everything they can to promote the restoration of your marriage while getting at such truth as they need to know to do their jobs as shepherds
of the flock.
Brad, you can bet your elders have dealt
with this sort of thing many times already. Sadly, divorce in evangelical
circles has become remarkably common. I would be absolutely shocked if your local shepherds are anything but
sensitive, discreet and supportive. If you trusted them enough stay in
fellowship there under their guidance all these years, you can surely trust
them now.
Run for the Border
Do I need to talk
about the very natural impulse to head for the hills? I have seen more than a
few young men decide to take a hiatus from meeting with fellow believers when
their wives have just left them. For that matter, I’ve seen a few Christian
women do it too. The feeling is bound to be almost overpowering. You’re dealing
with shame, guilt, embarrassment, confusion … it goes on and on. To be summarily
dismissed without any clear warning by someone you love dearly and thought was
your best friend in the world might well be the ultimate humiliation. But
running never ends well. Those who do it almost never come back. I suspect it
gets harder and harder week by week. And think about walking into a new church.
You’ll be dealing with all kinds of perfectly normal questions like: Are you
married? Do you have kids? Lather, rinse, repeat.
No, you’re definitely
better staying put. Moreover, you’ll get better care in your own home church
than you’d get anywhere else. If you can put aside for a few weeks the very
human tendency to believe that everyone is staring at you when they aren’t
(okay, maybe a few are), you will find that paranoid, unsettled feeling will
start to go away. There may be one or two outliers who blurt out goofy or
mildly offensive things. This is usually awkwardness rather than malice. Let it
slide if you can. But way too many of your fellow believers have children,
brothers, sisters and friends in the same boat you are. They will not be quick
to pass judgment on you.
The Rationalization Hamster
One final suggestion because
I’m getting lengthy here: I mentioned earlier that women often have a greater
need than men to be perceived as the victim in these situations rather than the
initiator of something we both know God hates. I won’t take you back to the Garden of Eden here and the “woman being deceived”.
There are various opinions about that, and you know I have mine. But I have
observed over the years that while many women rationalize their own behaviour
compulsively, both sexes are perfectly capable of spinning a story like a
hamster spins a wheel.
So don’t, if you can
help it. Tell as little as possible to as few people as possible, and avoid the
temptation to fish for sympathy. Just the facts, Jack. You’ll thank me later, I promise.
Not only does keeping the gossip down to a minimum give you the best chance of
winning back your wife, it’s also just the right thing to do. You can’t sin
with your mouth if your mouth is firmly shut.
More to come, brother.
Push back if you need to. I’m with you and will be praying for you every step
of the way.
Love in Christ,
Tom
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