The following is
absolutely fictional and increasingly common. There is no Brad and definitely
no Jill, in case that is not obvious. There are, however, way too many people
in their position.
Dear Brad,
I was just thinking of you this morning, and voila! there goes my email notification.
Funny how that works.
Your question is not exactly a surprise. Still, I wasn’t
about to bring up the subject until you did. But you’re nine months into your
separation from Jill and as you say, it looks as if she will almost surely file
for divorce at the one year mark. While you’re a long way from considering
remarriage at this point, I agree that it makes sense to get your ducks in a
row, so to speak, about what the scriptures say concerning the end of a
marriage before emotions cloud the issue.
Ducking and Running
For evangelicals, remarriage after a divorce is a touchy
subject about which there exists a wide variety of opinions, the most common of
which these days is the preference not to express an opinion. Understandably. I
have a fair bit of sympathy for those who opt to duck and run rather than be
pinned down about what they believe on that score.
Those brave or stupid souls who are prepared to be dogmatic
about such things generally start with God’s general statement to the prophet
Malachi, “I hate divorce”, which compares divorce to violence. It seems to me that provides little
meaningful direction when you’re neither seeking divorce nor legally able to
prevent one from being granted to Jill. Still, it should remind us that where
there remains a marriage to fight for, it is consistent with the teaching of
scripture to do everything we can to preserve it.
Legality and Morality
So what does that mean? When is a marriage over in God’s
eyes? After all, legality and morality are two very different things. We know
that Adam and Eve and their descendants were legitimately paired up thousands
of years before the state got involved in marriage, which raises the question
of whether a divorce proceeding actually dissolves anything in the eyes of God.
After all, it is “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” We
would be irresponsible if we did not at least consider whether that might also include
writs issued by secular judges.
May I cautiously suggest that the Lord’s response to the woman
at the well in Sychar might be relevant to this question: “You have had five husbands [literally, ‘men’], and the one you now have is not your husband [‘man’].” The contrast here is
between the five men she had more or less officially and the one she definitely
didn’t (perhaps he was married to another woman). Without reading into the
text, we can at least infer that in the modern era it takes more than just having a sexual relationship to
make a marriage in the eyes of God (and, even today, in the eyes of a community). Adam and Eve needed neither a preacher nor
a piece of paper, but Jesus still distinguishes between marriages recognized by society and relationships that have not been legitimized in that way.
One Flesh and the Adultery Clause
I bring this up because some people quote the apostle Paul’s
statement that “he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her” as if it means all sexual relationships, however inappropriate or fleeting, are
equivalent to marriage in God’s eyes because the parties have become “one flesh”.
I have a Christian friend with a chequered sexual past who is so stuck on this
idea that he is constantly revisiting his history trying to figure out which of
his past relationships was the real deal. But I cannot see how such an understanding
of that verse can be correct given the distinction the Lord makes in that
conversation at the well.
This is also relevant for another reason. Some Christians
teach that adultery ends a marriage, or at least gives the offended party
reasonable cause to end one. We still do not know for certain that Jill has been involved with another man,
and we’d be unwise to presume it in the absence of evidence. But even if she
has, I believe the option exists for you to take her back if she were to ask
you for forgiveness, just as the prophet Hosea restored his wife, at least unless and until she marries somebody else.
The Bare Minimum
I guess what I’m saying, Brad, is this: it may be better not to invest a lot of time fantasizing about what the future might hold for you romantically until your marriage has been ended in the eyes of the world and
until Jill has clearly and unequivocally moved on. That would seem to me to be
the bare minimum Christian duty to the Lord before whom you made your vows.
Now, as to whether it’s appropriate for you to consider
remarriage if and when those two conditions are met, I’m not dodging the
question, you understand. But I think it might be most profitable to consider
it well down the road where it belongs.
As always, love in Christ,
Tom
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