The following is
absolutely fictional and increasingly common. There is no Brad and definitely
no Jill, in case that is not obvious. There are, however, way too many people
in their position.
You’re right, I must confess: I never in a million years
expected to hear from you. I’m almost positive the last time we saw each other
was at Brad and Jill’s wedding, which makes it over a decade now. And I agree:
discussing my best friend’s failing marriage with his mother-in-law puts me in
almost as awkward a position as it puts you to discuss your daughter’s current relationship
problems with me. I expect neither of us will be at our best as we are both
working with understandable biases and with only partial information. But I
think if we are careful and Christian about it we may be able to do some good
for two people we love without breaking any confidences or meddling in their lives.
Deal?
Mothers, Daughters and Lies
It will not surprise you that Brad and I have been
exchanging regular emails since Jill left him, but in answer to your question,
no, we haven’t been in contact in almost two months. I believe he is doing
as well as can be expected, and I’m sure he’d be touched that you asked. As
crazy as it might sound, it might not be the worst thing you could do to reach
out to him if you feel up to it.
Dorothy, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you
to find out that your daughter has been spinning you a tale since before she
left her husband. I am truly sorry. But let me encourage you not to
write Jill off — even if, as you say, she well and truly deserves it.
Proverbs says, “A lying tongue hates its victims.” I’ve been lied to before, and it feels like you have been misunderstood,
minimized, used and made to look ridiculous all at once. It feels like hatred. No
mother deserves that, especially as you have been Jill’s staunchest
defender at a time when many of her Christian friends are more than a little
concerned about what’s really going on in her life.
Forgiveness, Repentance and Bitterness
And no, I don’t feel you are wrong not to forgive her, at
least for now. Forgiveness and repentance are tied together in the Bible. Even God does not forgive the unrepentant sinner.
The key, I think, is not to allow yourself to become bitter. Bitterness is a
source of trouble and spiritual defilement, not least in the heart in which it originates. To the extent that you can let
go of your anger and hurt and cast your cares on the Lord, both you and Jill
will be better off. Still, there will always be some space between you two
until Jill does the right thing and comes clean with you.
I must confess I always figured there was another man involved,
not because I ever thought badly of Jill but because there almost always is.
It’s just a numbers thing. Jill’s exit was way too abrupt to have been triggered
by a long, slow, unabetted marital decline, and her unwillingness to talk to
Brad at all was very much out of character. Now that you tell me there’s a
married man and a little boy involved, it all makes more sense.
But I do not think we’ll help either Brad or Jill much by
gossiping about them, and in any case the questions you bring up in your email
have more to do with your own relationship with Jill, so let’s leave it at that
for now.
Catalysts and Guilt
It is tempting to shut Jill out, I agree, and I suppose it
may come to that at some point. But when you tell me how unhappy she seems and
how uncertain about her choices, it makes me think that you are better to try
avoid being the emotional catalyst in Jill’s next few big decisions. She’s put
herself right in the middle of somebody else’s marriage, which is a horrible,
guilt-ridden place to be. She is also very well informed about what the Bible
teaches, and I can assure you there is almost nothing you can say to her that
she isn’t already saying to herself.
Speaking of guilt, I do not think it is possible that you
are solely responsible for Jill’s low view of men. It is very natural in a
situation like this to go back over the things you might have done differently
and ask yourself if your own complaints about Brad over the years were part of
Jill’s problem with him, and perhaps they were. But while it is certainly true, as you say, that “a whisperer separates close friends”, Jill is also a grown woman and
has certainly demonstrated she’s capable of making up her own mind. I don’t
think you can carry the entire weight for her anger at Brad. After all, we don’t really understand what life with Brad was like for her behind closed doors and it would be
unwise to speculate. “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” Taking sides with the aggrieved party in the middle of a
marital spat is rarely useful to anyone.
The Needling and the Damage Done
I definitely understand your desire to correct some of the
things you’ve been saying about Brad for most of the last year, and I think it’s
commendable. Perhaps the best way to do this without getting dragged into a lot
of unprofitable conversations is to first take it to your elders. As far as I
know, they are not aware of Jill’s current romantic involvement, but they may
be able to give you some sound, spiritual advice about how to deal with the
sort of questions you are bound to encounter in and outside of church.
If it were me, I’d also want to correct any
misunderstandings I might have created by speaking out of turn, but I don’t
think that necessarily means discussing what’s going on in gory detail with
everyone who knows Brad and Jill. I would simply say, “As it turns out, there’s
a good deal more to the situation than I was aware of. I was wrong to judge my
son-in-law so harshly without knowing the whole story, and I’m very sorry I
misrepresented what was going on.” That covers your concerns without throwing
Jill under the bus.
A Spirit of Gentleness
And yes, Dorothy, I believe she may deserve it too. But I’m
thinking here of what the apostle Paul says to the Galatians:
“If anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him [or her] in a spirit of gentleness.”
Since the Lord’s ultimate objective here is restoration
rather than permanent judgment and exclusion, anything that makes it harder for
Jill to repent is to be avoided, I think, and that would certainly include
excessive talk among her friends and fellow churchgoers. Assuming the facts you’ve
shared with me can be established through a second witness, the elders at
Winston Heights may feel it is necessary for the believers to “remove” Jill for her own sake until she has a change of heart and life (although since Jill
seems to have elected to remove herself from church fellowship, that may be moot). Best to let them
work through that, I think. I won’t presume to guess how they might proceed.
The Right Thing
Finally, I can’t tell you what to do about Brad. Obviously
you feel you have wronged him. Asking his forgiveness would be a real
encouragement to him, and it may help you too. But regardless of how Brad
responds and how it makes you feel, it’s still the right thing to do, not least because this is affecting
your fellowship with the Lord.
Thanks for getting in touch, Dorothy. That can’t have been
an easy thing to do. I continue to pray for Brad and Jill, and for you too.
Love in Christ,
Tom
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