A couple of common
evangelical catchphrases were bandied around in the exchange and caught my
attention. First, Piper referred to the “gift of singleness”. Later, the young
woman declared she did not feel “called to marriage”. You have probably heard
people say things like that. You may have said them yourself.
Both phrases
sorta-kinda employ the language of the New Testament, but both do it in ways
that can mislead us if we’re not paying attention to the way they are used.
Each Has His Own Gift
The reference to the “gift
of singleness” comes from 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul discusses
whether or not Christians should marry and considers a number of scenarios. One
of the first things he says is this:
“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.”
That’s as close as we get to finding this
particular trendy phrase in the Bible.
Now, the need for companionship is entirely normal, and sexual desire is near-inevitable for most of us. Paul does not condemn either of these. I think what the apostle
is saying here is that God had given him the unusual ability to live without both
the benefits and the distractions of marriage so as to serve Christ more
effectively. Still, he recognizes the psychological and physical package with
which he had been equipped is not necessarily the same as the one other believers are trying to manage,
so he makes allowances for that reality.
Going Off the Rails
If all we take from
Paul’s extended meditation here is that some Christians have a special ability
from God to serve outside of marriage, just as others have a special ability
from God to serve him effectively together, I think we’ve got things roughly in
perspective.
Where we might easily go
off the rails is if we conclude that the possession of one set of abilities or
another constitutes an ironclad heavenly destiny, the violation of which takes
us out of the will of God. To assume that is, I think, to go beyond what scripture
teaches on the subject.
After all, who knows
in advance of marriage or before having lived the single life what sorts of
God-given abilities one does or does not possess? I didn’t, and I bet you
didn’t either. We can talk usefully about the “gifts” we have been given with
regard to abstinence when years have passed and experience has taught us a few
things. It is the rarest of twenty year-olds who makes decisions with even the slightest clue how
she may feel about them when she is thirty or forty.
The Way Things Really Play Out
We have all heard
stories about men who dedicated themselves to a life of celibacy to serve God
and found they couldn’t cut it. That one’s almost a cliché. But sometimes
it happens the other way around.
Some men and women lose
their spouses early and remarry. Many don’t. The reasons vary, but more than a
few have discovered somewhere along the way that they have the same “gift” Paul
had: they are perfectly fine on their own and excited about serving God that
way. Their first instinct is not to go running around looking for another spouse.
Were they wrong to
marry in the first place? Absolutely not. They’re grateful for the children God
has given them, and most recall their marriages with great fondness. But they
feel no compulsion to try to rewrite a narrative they’ve already
lived once.
Equally, there are
some Christians who never marry, not because they are convinced they possess
a “gift” of singleness but because they have yet to find an appropriate, willing partner. They endure the single life, but can’t claim to really enjoy
it. They pray their way through it, subject to frequent temptation and always
hoping (and even believing) the “right person” will come along. In many cases they don’t.
Are these folks wrong?
I don’t believe they are, and I don’t think they refused a “gift” God had given
them, nor do I believe they “didn’t pray hard enough”. It’s just that there is
an element of choice involved in getting married, as in many other aspects of
human life; and it’s further complicated by the fact that marriage requires two
willing parties, not just one. Let’s face it: one person’s life-choices often
end up limiting the options of others.
Gift is Not Destiny
The thing is, a gift
is not destiny. What a God-given ability to live singly provides is a
morally-neutral choice about the
conditions under which we will serve God. A God-given compatibility with the opposite sex gives us the option to choose that life, but it does not force us to choose it, nor does it make us effective at getting there. The rest is in our hands, not
pre-programmed into the stars.
Several times in the passage
Paul points out to the Corinthians that within certain clear parameters outside
which right and wrong are involved, decisions about the conditions under which they serve Christ are up to them: “if they cannot exercise self-control, they
should marry”; “if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity”;
“if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she
has not sinned.”
For the Sake of the Kingdom of Heaven
This freedom to choose is confirmed by the
Lord Jesus in his discussion with the disciples on the subject of marriage and
abstinence:
“Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”
The first two groups the Lord mentions
never had a choice about their situation, just as nobody chooses to have cancer
in their genes or to go bald. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where
certain options are closed to us through no fault of our own.
But the third class he mentions are “eunuchs
for the sake of the kingdom of heaven”. These have “made themselves eunuchs”,
the Lord says. Nobody made them choose that path. They chose it voluntarily.
I firmly believe it is very important in
the Christian life to understand how we got to where we are and who or what is
responsible for our current state. We need to accept the things we can’t change
about our situation, but we also need to accept responsibility for making
choices when we have options open to us, as these people did in the service of
the kingdom.
Who Did What Exactly?
If a man blind from birth tells you he was privileged to give up his sight for the kingdom of God, you’d say he’s a bit confused,
wouldn’t you? After all, he had nothing to do with how he was born. If he truly
wants to give up something in the service of Christ, he’s going to have to
choose what he will sacrifice, and it’ll have to be something within his control.
But I find it equally bizarre when people
make a series of life-choices and then act as if the less-desirable
consequences of their accumulated decisions (or their failures to decide, which
often amount to the same thing) are some kind of cross that Heaven has given them to
bear. It just ain’t so.
What is it really? My guess is it’s 50% passive
complacency, 20% superstition, 20% paying too much attention to evangelical clichés,
a dash of fatalism and maybe even a little fear — in short, sanctified determinism.
It is this sort of mindset that is often (not
always) revealed in the use of expressions like the “gift of singleness” and
being “called to marriage”.
I’ll deal with the latter phrase here in a
couple of weeks.
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