My mother had all but
given up on being married when she met my father. At very least she had
determined to walk with the Lord and serve him with a whole heart whether or
not she ended up doing it alone. Or so I remember hearing the story told.
My father, to the best
of my knowledge, wasn’t really looking for a wife when he met my mother. He was
busy preaching and teaching and seizing whatever opportunities to serve that
the Lord put in his way. My take on it is that he was seeking first the
kingdom of God and found to his delight that some other things got “added unto”
him along the way, so to speak.
With such ambivalence about
actively pursuing marriage on both sides, it’s a wonder I’m here to type this
today. They might well have missed each other. And yet ... here we are.
A Good Gift ... for Everybody?
So I was thinking
about my own genetic history while reflecting on this post. Yaron Mizrahi runs a website designed to match Christian men and women with specific sets of convictions
about the Bible, which probably explains his enthusiasm in encouraging
Christians not to develop unrealistic expectations of marriage and of potential
partners.
Yaron says marriage is
a good gift from God (he’s right about that: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”), and suggests that physical attractiveness, desired standard of living and
geographic location — not to mention fear of the usual difficulties in adjustment
that attend every marriage — should not get in the way of it. Each sub-section
of his article is a reminder not to be unreasonably choosy and not to
unnecessarily disqualify potential partners.
I have to think about
that some more.
Balancing Act
There’s a certain
general wisdom in Yaron’s outlook on relationships, but I wonder whether chasing
marriage should really be the default Christian position today. The writer of
the above Proverb is speaking of what is normally
characteristic throughout human history. Marriage is good. It is a gift.
Thanks, God.
We should not fail,
however, to balance what would have been sound, standard advice to an Israelite
in Solomon’s day with the New Testament counsel of the apostle Paul, which is
actually more applicable to our present era. And that first Corinthian epistle suggests there are good reasons to think twice about marrying.
History Sometimes Repeats
Now sure, it’s more
than likely some of Paul’s reasons for matrimonial caution
are historical. He wrote this passage only 15 years prior to the Romans
sacking Jerusalem and dispersing the Jews throughout the world, at a time when being
persecuted for being a Christian was certainly a strong possibility. So when he
speaks, for instance, of the “present distress”, or when he says,
“the appointed time has grown very short,” and
“the present form of this world is passing away,” one can legitimately make the case that the apostle was giving advice best suited to a period of church history now past.
That conceded, I don’t think it is terribly far-fetched to consider that Western churches may soon experience their own “present distress”. If that turns out to be the case, Paul’s advice
here may once again be useful.
Some Truths Are Always Relevant
Further, on at least one point Paul’s
teaching here continues to be relevant to believers thinking about marriage.
His concern about the negatives of distraction is as true today as it was in
A.D. 55:
“The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.”
Talk of Paul being a misogynist should be
dismissed as the boilerplate liberal nonsense it is. But he makes a valid point
here, and one that can as easily be flipped around: the married woman may well
be anxious about how to please her husband, while the single woman serving God
does not encounter the same distractions.
All to say, I have my doubts about whether marriage
should be pursued uncritically as a universal “good”.
Burning Love
Still, Paul nowhere condemns those who choose to marry:
“If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry — it is no sin.”
Indeed. Better marriage than burning with passion. Usually.
But I can’t help but notice that Paul has in view here a man
who has already chosen a partner. He’s
not on Christian Mingle or the
equivalent looking to pair up with anyone who meets a basic standard. He’s got
a particular “betrothed” and his passions are strong toward her. His love and desire have a specific object. He’s
not just looking to scratch an itch or do what everybody else does.
That’s not irrelevant, and it makes me
wonder if simply pursuing marriage for marriage’s sake is always the wisest
course of action. It has certainly led to some less-than-stellar unions.
Looks and Character
So, like Paul does very occasionally, I will now offer my own opinion with precisely zero claim to inspiration. (Don’t
worry, I won’t even try to speak to
young women since what motivates them to marry us in the first place remains obscure
to me even in late middle age.) So this last bit is for the godly,
committed young men out there trying to decide if God’s plan for their lives
includes a wife.
Yaron says, “Character trumps appearance
any day of the week.” I strongly agree. Beauty is largely subjective. Someone I
find attractive may not appeal to you at all, and vice versa. Also, looks
fade, sometimes much faster than either husband or wife expects, while godly character does not. Banking on her physical beauty lasting is a sucker’s bet. On the other hand, a
woman’s inner beauty may win you over to such a degree that your opinion about
her looks eventually ceases to matter. But I suggest you don’t count on that.
Know
yourself first.
The Unloved Wife
In my travels I have met dozens of women of
lovely, godly character to whom I was not in the least physically attracted. I
respect them. I value them. They are useful to the kingdom of God, destined for eternal reward, and I am
proud to have them as sisters. Some loving Christian man will or at least could
make them very happy one day, I suspect, if that’s what they’re looking for.
But it would never have been me.
If your experience to date relating to
women has led you to believe that you could be so devoted to a woman you find
less-than-physically-attractive that you would never look sideways at another,
never fantasize about another and never think twice about your choice, then by
all means go for it and God bless. It may well work out terrific.
But if your experience to date has been
that six months of dating the same girl always finds you looking around at other
options, please don’t commit yourself to anyone, even with the best of
intentions. Certainly don’t do it because you’re feeling that you’re ‘getting
on’, or because your parents want those grandkids, or because people might
think you’re gay if you don’t, or because the world needs more Christian
children, or even because you think having a partner might be useful in your
particular area of Christian service.
That last one might even be true, assuming
your partner feels loved and content.
They Always Notice
But what if she doesn’t? Worse, what if
that’s your fault … because she isn’t? Women are hard enough on themselves
already without going through life feeling unloved, and marrying a woman you
don’t have strong feelings for is just plain cruel.
Don’t think she won’t notice. They always notice; ask Leah. Don’t think she’ll
be satisfied with your courtesy, respect and duty. She won’t, even if she
thinks she will. She’ll want your affections as well … and she deserves them.
So I say disqualify, disqualify and
disqualify some more, for your prospective wife’s sake if not for yours. Few
lives have been ruined by marriages that were not made (Romeo and Juliet might
be the exceptions). People get up and go on. But marriages that were made, and
made badly, often do tremendous damage, crippling the service to God of both
husbands and wives.
Sometimes burning is better. Maybe not for
you, but WAY better for her.
Yaron will probably disagree. And, as I
say, it ain’t inspired …
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