Anonymous Asks (246)

“Is it wrong to pray for your ex back?”

When a relationship ends, it is axiomatic that the partner who ends it suffers less than the partner who gets no say in the matter. There are rare exceptions, like the woman who leaves an alcoholic husband she loves very much for his own good, or the man who separates from a fidelity-challenged woman he adores, but generally speaking the partner who gets left behind is the one most injured.

Still, some believers are able to let go of a departed partner easier than others. For those of us who make it our practice to cast our cares on the Lord, the temptation to try to use God to get what we want most out of another person is very real and very common.

Prayer and Genuine Agency

I’m not sure how Christian determinists pray about these things, mostly because I’m not sure why or how they would pray about anything. In such a worldview, what will be will be. But those of us who are not deterministic in our reading of scripture recognize that while God may occasionally cause a king to be favorably disposed to the request of a man like Nehemiah in order to further his purposes in the world, he rarely intervenes in affairs of the heart. Assuming Leah was a devout woman — and there is some evidence of that in scripture — all her prayers never succeeded in making her the primary object of Jacob’s affection, though the Lord blessed her in other ways. Paltiel the son of Laish followed his wife Michal all the way to Bahurim weeping because David had demanded she be returned to him. Perhaps he pled with God in those last moments with his wife, but if so, it didn’t help his cause. Paltiel went home alone, though he was technically in the right.

The problem with a God who operates non-deterministically is that his interests and ours often lie in different directions. If God has ordered his world in such a way that his creatures have genuine agency, on what basis might we appeal to him to change the heart and mind of somebody who has decided they don’t love us anymore, or that they love somebody else more? In most cases, it’s not that praying for the embers of love to be rekindled is wrong, exactly. It’s more the case that in a world where people are free to choose what suits them, our prayers are likely to be futile. They are asking God to become something he is not.

Wrong Kinds of Prayer

I can think of at least one situation in which it would be wrong to pray for one’s ex back, and that would be where the former partner has already remarried. The book of Jeremiah seems to suggest that would be at very least inappropriate. In order to remarry legitimately, her current husband would have to die. Can you pray for him to miraculously keel over, and do it in good conscience? Probably not.

Then there is the case of the Christian married to an unbeliever, however that might have occurred. The apostle Paul talks about this problem and concludes that if the unbelieving partner chooses to separate, “let it be so”. There is no way to know whether such a person would ever have trusted Christ, and it may be the other party’s decision to leave frees up the believing partner to more effectively serve the Lord. Who could then pray in good conscience, “Oh Lord, please change her mind so I can serve you with one hand tied behind my back”?

Where there has been no sexual component to the relationship (where the word “ex” describes a former relationship that did not lead to marriage), no real moral obligation to continue the relationship has been created. A woman or man who decides they don’t want to take a relationship further is free to pursue somebody else or decide to be a solo act and, provided they have been honest and as kind as possible in extricating themselves, there is nothing immoral or “unchristian” about such a choice. While being left behind can be extremely painful, there is little scriptural basis to appeal to God for someone else to have a change of heart about a decision that is not sinful or selfish. It can even be that the person has departed for very good reason, like discovering that you are immature, or insufficiently committed to the Lord, or do not share the same goals, or are loaded down with school debt that would become a burden if they opt to take the relationship further. How could you pray in good conscience for them to make an unwise (or less wise) choice by taking you back? Better to learn from the experience and move on, asking the Lord to help you become the sort of person who can attract a partner of that calibre.

Much-Needed Lessons

More than a few young believers I know have become deeply infatuated with entirely the wrong sort of professing Christian: worldly, narcissistic, dishonest, disloyal, addicted or incompetent. A few have even married such a person. When that partner decides to end a relationship, most of us would heave a great sigh of relief and say, “Thank you, Lord.” That is not the case with everyone. Should they pray for their ex back? It may be that the Lord is teaching them a much-needed lesson.

So then is it wrong to pray for your ex back? It can be, but it very much depends on the circumstances. The key, as always, is to pray with the caveat “Not my will, but yours be done.”