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“What’s the Christian perspective on MGTOW?”

MGTOW is an acronym for Men Going Their Own Way, an anti-feminist online community of men who reject marriage and commitment. It may be distinguished from other much-maligned informal men’s movements like the pickup artists (men who share tips about how to persuade women to engage in casual sex), incels (involuntary celibates) or promoters of men’s rights (primarily divorced dads who’ve had a hard time with the system).

While there are differences between the views and objectives of each of these groups, all have this in common with respect to the opposite sex: defeatism. MGTOW is not the exception.

Observing and Reacting to a Degenerate Society

Unlike incels, who are generally unattractive, broke or hopeless with the opposite sex, most men who call themselves MGTOW could probably make long-term relationships with women work if they were willing to make the necessary effort, or not so risk-averse. Though often accused of misogyny, many are not actively hateful toward women (though some are), but they tend to be overly wary of getting burned in unfair divorce settlements or losing custody of their children, and are uniformly fed up with an increasingly gynocentric society and the unflattering media portrayal of men.

The MGTOW philosophy draws non-trivial numbers: at least 150,000 men subscribe to its major online forums, and younger men are increasingly attracted to it. Being MGTOW doesn’t mean you have to go to meetings, participate in forums or talk about women negatively all the time, though for some it does. Mostly it’s just about checking out of the “marriage racket” and concentrating on your own goals, preferences and development.

Maybe They Have a Point …

So how should Christians think about MGTOW as a lifestyle? Well, it must be said that, like most movements, it’s a reaction to a genuine problem. Society is increasingly feminized. Large numbers of women (young white women especially) are spoiled, sexually profligate, unsubmissive, lazy, unappreciative and unpleasant to deal with compared to their counterparts in previous generations. Divorce is incredibly common and exceedingly painful, and judges tend to favor women in awarding spousal support, child support and custody. No small number of evangelical platform personalities single out men for abuse while steadfastly averting their eyes when it comes to the sins of women. Some even berate men for not wanting to marry single Christian mothers and raise other men’s babies. The media has been denigrating fatherhood, trashing the “patriarchy” and attacking masculinity in every possible respect going back decades. If you pursue a serious relationship with a member of the opposite sex, there is a non-trivial chance she may cheat, humiliate you, become abusive or have ridiculous expectations of you, and that the relationship will end unpleasantly.

All these things are true to some degree. Christians value truth, and there is every advantage in acknowledging reality and recognizing genuine risk as you approach relationships.

Off the Rails

Where MGTOW goes off the rails for young Christian men is in the same way most probability-based observations go awry. The fact that all these things might happen does not guarantee they will. Death and taxes may be all but inevitable, but the divorce rate is nowhere near 100%. Let’s call it what it is: MGTOW is essentially fear-based. Call it “weary resignation” if you prefer, but it boils down to fear, and “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” No Christian man is obliged to marry, but it seems to me that concerns about negative consequences are better addressed by choosing a partner carefully and biblically than by opting out altogether. Yes, it could all go sideways at some point in the future, but the failure rate of people who don’t try is always 100%.

There’s nothing wrong with observing what’s going on the in world around us and thinking accurately about social trends, but there’s also something fairly unhealthy about devoting significant amounts of time to rubbing your nose in the degeneration of society and the disintegration of relationships. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” The apostle encourages believers to concentrate their attention on those things that foster gratitude and love rather than discouragement.

Marriage and Burning

Another difficulty with the MGTOW philosophy from a Christian perspective is that it fails to address normal sexual urges. Some men don’t have them, and that’s fine; such are probably better off not to marry and to concentrate on serving the Lord without distraction. The problem is that most men do have them, and the apostle Paul, who was apparently single, wisely notes, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Unsaved MGTOWs have no reservations about porn, one-nighters, or other immoral forms of sexual release. Christians considering a MGTOW view must put any thought of such options aside forever. Does that sound like fun to you?

Finally, MGTOW is essentially selfish. Where a healthy Christian faith puts the Lord first, others second and me last, MGTOW exalts personal development, personal opinions and the perpetual protection of me, me, me — MY feelings, MY money, MY life. That’s backwards for the believer. All these things belong to God now, not me. Again, I’m not saying Christian men are obliged to marry, but we are obliged to service and love. The man who sets aside any prospect of marriage out of concern for the vulnerabilities it creates also sets aside the best opportunities in life to learn how to compromise, how to serve, how to negotiate, how to pray your way through a crisis, how to lead, teach and exercise self-control. He also sets aside any chance that the Lord may use him as an elder one day, because he will not qualify.

Loving and Losing

Marriage is hard. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Even a failed marriage can be a source of joy if it produced children or if you learned things of value from it. Divorce can complicate and mar family relationships, but it does not mean they have no value, especially to a believer who puts his trust and hope in God, not in the fidelity of others.

In summary, Tennyson’s line that “ ’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is not scripture, and it was not written about marriage. Nevertheless, I have found it to be true.