The Commentariat Speaks (36)

We’ve done a few posts over the last couple of years about how the systematic theology we adopt (or uncritically absorb) affects not only the way we read a verse here or there, but also the way we read whole books of the Bible and what we take away from them. One little difference of interpretation here and there may have huge ripple effects downstream. For that reason alone, I always advise new Christians not to sign on to any existing system without a measure of reserve and constant reassessment of whether that way of viewing the Bible aligns with what you are discovering as you read and study it daily.

We can trust the Word absolutely. What people extrapolate from it is a different story.

The same principle extends to practical counsel. Even when Christian counselors from opposing theological schools give you similar advice, they may reason their way to it very differently, as we will see today.

Let’s lay this out and let our readers be the judge.

Is My Marriage a Mistake?

A female inquirer at Blog & Mablog is in dire need of advice. Her husband, a professing Christian, believes their marriage was a mistake. He treats her with disdain while quoting scripture at her. The details, assuming we believe the one side of the story we’re hearing, are sufficiently unpleasant that the writer says she regularly contemplates suicide, though she fights these thoughts.

She finishes as follows:

“I know God ordains everything, so this marriage cannot truly be a mistake — can it? Yet I struggle: Is God a cosmic killjoy? I know He isn’t, but how do I rest my heart in that truth? What do I do? How do I find hope to press on each day when my husband has vowed to make my life miserable?”

Yes, and God Did It

The proprietor of the establishment responds as follows:

“AA, your theological question needs to be answered on two levels. This marriage was the will of God in that He decreed that it would happen. But God decrees everything that happens, and that would include sinful or foolish choices. From what you describe, your marriage sounds like it meets that description — young and foolish, you made a poor decision. The solution is to confess that sin to God, acknowledge it fully, and then ask Him to take you from where you are. My advice to you would be, if possible, to seek out pastoral counsel — with your husband if he will go, and without him if he will not. Secondly, I would start praying for God to change his heart — to convert him if he is not saved, or to bring him to repent of his backsliding if he is saved. Pray that God bring everything to a head.”

Now, the practical advice itself is not wildly different from what I might recommend, given that this woman appears to be dealing with a man who cares about his public reputation. He is trying to provoke her into leaving him rather than risk walking out and being perceived as the bad guy by his friends and fellow churchgoers. He also claims custody of the son if that occurs. If what she says is true, he has candidly invited her to hit the road.

The ‘Why’ Matters

Furthermore, we should keep in mind that the abuse she is enduring at this stage, however unpleasant, demeaning and disconcerting to her, is exclusively verbal. She says nothing about physical abuse of either her or her son. She does not remotely suggest she is in any danger, except possibly by her own hand. Verbal abuse is not nothing, obviously, but it’s also not — speaking biblically — the free ticket to divorce or abandonment some would like it to be.

Were there no children involved, I might suggest the option apparently countenanced (though not approved) in verses 10 and 11 of 1 Corinthians 7: that a wife in dire circumstances might separate from her husband without divorcing him, and wait on the Lord to change his heart. While far from ideal in many ways, it’s preferable to the alternative. However, there is a minor child in the picture, and the husband insists their boy remain with him. That makes her understandably nervous, and it should. You never know how a court will rule on custody, assuming it comes to that, and you never know how events will roll out once you make a move that drastic. Usually, things do not go quite the way anyone expects, frequently for the worse.

In any case, my practical advice and the advice she is currently receiving are not in opposition. Neither is saying, “Write off the marriage and do whatever you like.” What is very different in the reasoning behind the advice. On that level, I find the counsel she has received deeply discouraging, and I suspect the wife who has to live with it may feel the same way. The “why” of her suffering matters almost as much as the “what to do about it”.

Asking the Wrong Question

The question the husband has raised in his wife’s mind by insisting their marriage was a mistake is fundamentally irrelevant, but she’s all caught up in answering it, as is her counselor. We need to make our inquiries on other lines.

“Our marriage was a mistake,” says hubby, “though it was ordained by God.” “Was our marriage a mistake?” asks the grieving wife. “I can’t believe that. If I believe God ordained a mistake, that makes God a cosmic killjoy. That can’t be true!” Adding insult to injury, our counselor agrees: “Your marriage was indeed the will of God and it was also (very likely) a mistake, because God decrees everything that happens”, including (he says) our sinful or foolish choices.

Here we have a case of systematic theology butting up against reality and causing painful cognitive dissonance. The husband is apparently a theological determinist, the wife is also a determinist, and the counselor is a through-and-through determinist. How can the failure of their “God-ordained”, “God-decreed” marriage possibly not reflect on God? It was his will! So then, the presuppositions of an underlying and unchallenged theological system are dictating the questions everybody is asking and answering. The determinist view makes a human situation all about God and his character, calling his goodness into question. How does that work exactly?

Getting God Out of It

Now, I am not a determinist. I’m not saying I can give this poor lady any better answers about what to do tomorrow morning than the ones she has already received, though in her shoes I would nix the idea of trying to get the husband to pastoral counseling and just quietly go on my own since he has already rejected that option once. But what I can say is that she doesn’t need to make this about her loving Father in heaven, who is far more concerned about the outcome of this conflict and about her husband’s spiritual failings than even she is.

Moreover, in my view of scripture, the Lord had nothing whatsoever to do with this woman’s bad choice of a husband, if that’s what it turns out to be. He didn’t ordain it. He didn’t will it. If consulted, he surely wouldn’t have advised it, assuming it was as bad a decision at the time they made it as everyone seems to think it was. “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.” That’s the plain teaching of scripture. Hubby made a choice. Wife made a choice. What God did was ratify the choice they made when they took their vows, not ordain it from the foundation of the world.

What I am saying is this: yes, their marriage was probably a mistake. At one point, it was not the will of God. He does not will his children to sin, or to put themselves in situations where sin is inevitable. He always provides a way of escape from temptation, including the temptation to marry even though something is not right. In this case, the way out was to decline the marriage proposal instead of, as the wife characterizes it, being “young and foolish and [making] poor choices”.

Not One or the Other But Both And

For the non-determinist, it’s perfectly possible to see the marriage as a mistake that had nothing to do with God, maybe not his will at all. What I would affirm is that the moment they had taken their vows and consummated their marriage, that union became God’s will for them until death parts them. That is his preference and desire now, and we can state it with confidence because scripture does: “I hate divorce.” That’s true even of divorce between a believer and an unbeliever, assuming the husband turns out to be just as bad as he is painted. Paul interprets that this way, “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.” However, he later adds, “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”

The non-determinist can’t fix the marriage any more than the determinist can, but, to me, his counsel is a great deal more comforting because it doesn’t make God the author of a problem created by the conflicting needs and desires of two fallible human beings. A bad marriage is cause enough for misery without dragging the character of God into it. The non-determinist view leaves the wife with an Ally and a Comfort rather than a Tormenter. What the non-determinist does from scripture is acknowledge the sin — yes, Honey, you made a mistake — then give an answer about how to go forward that does not require the cooperation of the husband.

A Way Forward

First, repent, which I think this woman has already done, but make sure you don’t spread the blame around for your bad choice. Vindicate God, because he’s always righteous and loving, and you can take comfort in his desire to bless you as you go forward from here, not worrying that he’s out to get you in some sneaky, “foundation of the world” kind of way. Let God be true, and every man a liar.

Second, acknowledge that even if your marriage was not the Lord’s will at one point in time, it became the Lord’s will once solemnized. Thus, the job is not to run from it, but to fix it if possible. Scripture has an answer for wives with disobedient husbands: “Be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” As hard as it seems now, quietly obey your rebel head and trust the Lord to work it out. Oddly, submission seems to be exactly what the unreasonable husband is insisting on and (perhaps) not receiving. He should love the change. If he doesn’t, that will definitely confirm for the wife where the problem lies.

Thirdly, if the husband chooses to leave, let him go. He may be saved, he may not be, but you can’t know which, and God has called you to peace. (Also, you have a far better chance of keeping your boy if the husband elects to end the marriage.)

That’s not an easy answer, but I think it’s a biblical answer, and it has the virtue of not dragging the character of God into the sort of mess we fallen human beings so easily make.