Anonymous Asks (397)

“Is nagging a Christian tactic?”

Nagging is often associated with frustrated wives and mothers, perhaps unfairly. Passive aggressive men do it too. Try the words “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times” with a little ‘Y’ chromosome on them, and you’ll quickly think of somebody male in your life with the habit of saying considerably more than is useful or necessary. I definitely did.

In any case, neither of my parents were inclined to nag. My early home life was happily unmarked by the irritation that persistent verbal harassment provokes.

Persistence and Annoyance

The difference between nagging and usefully instructing is the annoyance factor. You’ll find it in almost every dictionary definition of the word “nag”. Cambridge defines nag as “to criticize or complain often in an annoying way”. Merriam-Webster says, “to irritate by constant scolding or urging”. Dictionary.com says, “to annoy by persistent faultfinding”. One feature that differentiates nagging from necessary correction is the reaction always associated with it.

Why are some correctives more exasperating than others? It’s the delivery method. Our first clue is packaged into the English definition with words such as “often”, “constant” or “persistent”. When someone endlessly repeats a request or complaint, we conclude they think we are too dull or inattentive to respond otherwise. That’s insulting, and nobody likes being insulted. Nagging also presumes authority that may or may not exist. Sometimes we ignore a repeated request because the person making it has no right to, or is operating with different priorities. Sometimes the request is legitimate but the timing is inappropriate or the tone of the request is offensive to us.

Frankly, often the problem is us. Sometimes we just plain don’t want to do the thing we’re being nagged about. We may be contrarian, lazy or inattentive. That doesn’t make nagging a good or effective corrective technique, but it does help explain why it’s so common.

Nagging in the Bible

The word “nag” and its English cognates are absent from most English translations of the Bible, but the idea is certainly there, especially in the book of Proverbs. Solomon says a chronic complainer separates friends, is like a continual dripping of rain, and makes family members long for life in the desert or on the corner of a rooftop. Persistence may get you what you want in the short term, but it will also degrade your relationships over the long haul. Even children will begin to tune out a parent who cannot resist repeated scolding, faultfinding and superfluous instruction unless the consequences of ignoring the stream of undesired noise are consistent and unpleasant.

Perhaps that’s why Christian fathers are instructed not to exasperate their children. For one thing, it rarely works. Even when it does, it takes all joy out of the interaction. A consistent, measured appeal for cooperation backed with appropriate, predictable incentives (carrot or stick) delivered in timely fashion is far more likely to produce the desired result than increasingly shrill demands for compliance.

How Much Is Too Much?

That brings up a good question: How many times is it biblically appropriate to remind someone of an issue we want resolved? That really depends on whether we are going up or down the chain of command:

Up the Chain

It’s almost always unprofitable to nag up the chain of command, as I learned rather quickly in the workforce. That’s because there’s no “consequences phase” you can move to if you don’t get what you want. If your boss or supervisor ignores two polite requests, you can be pretty sure he or she will also ignore numbers three, four and five, and your constant pestering will most definitely be remembered unfavorably. Sure, the “unrighteous judge” in the parable eventually responded to the persistent widow, but that’s a rare exception, and we should probably note that her request was both reasonable and necessary.

Going up the chain of command in a Christian home, it’s possible to get the result you’re after without constantly harping about it, even in important matters. Quiet subjection or a gentle appeal may change a hard heart where complaining will not. That’s because in the Christian home there’s always Somebody even more authoritative than the highest human authority, and he will not let a reasonable need from a submissive party be expressed without ensuring that ignoring it or refusing it has spiritual consequences. In any case, obedience to even the most unfair authority is always the best testimony and invariably pleases the Lord.

Down the Chain

When my children were small, I tried never to exceed two warnings without moving to some measure of judicious enforcement. When compliance with an instruction was not forthcoming, I simply began to slowly count: “One … two …” When I hit three, it was consequences time. With that technique, I didn’t need to repeat requests endlessly; the specter of imminent correction almost invariably produced the right result.

Now, I won’t claim I picked up that technique from scripture, but I can’t help noticing that if the “two or three witnesses” principle was sufficient to satisfy a court, two or three repeated instructions or corrections should also be sufficient to make one’s desires clear. Paul also tells Titus that certain offenses in church warrant two warnings and no more before moving to the consequences phase.

When I was growing up, Mom did not generally administer justice, but she was still not inclined to nag. After a couple of polite cautions, she would pass a request for compliance up the command chain. Invariably, this got a much better result than anything she might have done herself, especially with teenage boys.

Outside the Authority Structure

In situations where one is neither under authority nor exercising it, as in between friends, co-workers or (God forbid) fellow church members, my own inclination is rarely to exceed two requests, complaints or expressions of concern. After that, if you have an objective third party you can appeal to, you can consider whether it’s worth escalating. In many cases it is not. I’m reminded of Martha’s appeal to the Lord for help from Mary. There may be a very good (or even spiritual) reason your friend or co-worker doesn’t want to do things your way. In any case, repeated requests to most adults tend to produce diminishing returns.

Nagging Prophets?

It may occur to some readers to compare God’s Old Testament complaints against Israel to those of a nagging parent. Verses like “All day long I have held out my hands to a disobedient and contrary people” may appear to echo a mother’s repeated requests for compliance that go unheard. Careful attention shows that’s hardly a reasonable comparison.

For one thing, the oral and written testimony of the prophets God sent to correct his people cover a period of 400 years. The Lord was not repeating himself endlessly to the same ears, but addressing many different generations of rebels and sinners in need of correction. We just happen to have all his appeals collected in one place. Moreover, being God, he was 100% in the right at all times. In every instance without exception, his corrections were for the ultimate good of the hearer.

We may think we are acting in someone’s best interests when we harangue them, but if we are honest with ourselves, we have to concede it is not always the case.