Anonymous Asks (323)

“What should be the focus of a Christian funeral?”

I always remember attending a Roman Catholic funeral at which a sobbing relative hurled herself on the casket, her howls of grief painfully and embarrassingly audible in an almost-empty room with high ceilings and a lot of stained glass. She probably lay there for less than a minute, but it seemed like forever.

I’ve never seen that sort of thing at an evangelical memorial, but you can never rule it out.

Unpredictable Outcomes

Try as you might, you cannot dictate how people respond emotionally to the loss of a loved one. Much depends on the relationship. The loss of a relative with whom one had unresolved issues can be devastating for some. The uncertainty of losing of a loved one whose eternal status was even the least bit questionable can also be difficult to process and lead to unexpected outbursts of grief. Furthermore, a Christian who goes to be with the Lord often has unsaved friends and relatives who want to memorialize them, and who knows what they may say when handed a hot mic?

So then, the parts of any funeral that involve the verbal participation of others are generally beyond anyone’s ability to dictate. They are just too volatile to manage effectively. Those who try to bark out the orders for others usually fail spectacularly at producing the result they were trying to achieve. I have seen Christians I thought might fall apart in public bear the deepest sorrows with grace, poise and eloquence. Equally, I have seen friends I believe are entirely convinced that to be with Christ is “far better” so broken up when they take to the podium that their participation is incomprehensible and painful to watch. They might have been better off keeping their seats.

Stage Managing from Beyond

It’s also interesting to see the results when a well-intentioned Christian on his or her way out of this world tries to stage manage their own funeral from beyond the grave. Usually, people do whatever they want to with little respect for their instructions. Sometimes that’s grief dictating the tone, other times it’s willful people wanting things a certain way for their own comfort and sense of propriety.

My own father did not want to be praised at his memorial; he wanted Christ to be the focus. He asked me to make sure to present the gospel, and I tried to do that to the best of my ability. Still, despite his earnest desire to downplay his own role in a gathering that was fundamentally about him, he was praised repeatedly. That is the nature of funerals, and people have an instinct to do what they’ve always seen done and to say what they feel ought to be said.

The Christian Emphasis

While the Law of Moses gave instructions to Israel not to mourn like the nations around them, cutting their bodies and engaging in performance art, scripture does not provide any commands I’m aware of with respect to Christian funeral procedure. The focus is really up to us as followers of Christ to go with our sanctified instincts. To the extent I have any say in what happens at someone else’s funeral, I like to bring in the certain hope of resurrection spelled out for us by the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:

“For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory.’ ‘O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ ”

I find this a tremendously uplifting message, and I have been at several memorials in which the tone was generally hopeful and encouraging, with an emphasis on the Christian truth that we are only temporarily parted by death, and that ultimately the grave has no hold on those who belong to the One who defied death, conquered and humiliated it.

The Living and the Dead

There are other “death passages” in scripture that can be employed positively, but this is the one I always come back to. In the end, however, funerals are not for the dead but for the living, and Christians can often show their faith to greatest effect by respecting the wishes of those closest to the deceased when he or she is being mourned.

The biggest caution: Don’t make somebody else’s funeral about yourself. That’s not a good look. Tears are expected. Performance art, not so much.