Anonymous Asks (347)

“How would you counsel young Christian men whose parents cannot seem to let go?”

Moses left the care of his parents as an infant in a basket. Jacob left home, by many calculations, at the age of 71, finally and unexpectedly forced out of the homestead by circumstances he had himself set in play.

Somewhere in between those extremes lie the rest of us. The ideal scenario is becoming financially, domestically and emotionally independent at some point prior to both our parents wishing we would — please!

Morality and Practicality

That said, biblical instruction on the subject of leaving home is not exactly thick on the ground. There are good reasons for this, because moving out for good is not generally a moral issue but rather a practical one. Economics, opportunity and other factors often play into it. A young man in a small town eager to start his own family will often have to entertain school and/or employment options in larger centers. There may be pragmatic reasons for taking over the family business at one point; equally, there may be pragmatic reasons to avoid such ties like the plague.

As our question broadly hints, much depends on the attitude of the parents.

The Pattern for God’s Servant

Every young man must learn at one point to walk before God independent of the wishes of his mother and father. The Lord Jesus is our role model in this, among others. Around the age of thirty, perhaps earlier, his time came to reveal his Father to the world, and to begin a life of service and ministry that would have its supreme moment of expression at the cross and end in glory at the right hand of the Father. In leaving home and family for a lifestyle in which he often had nowhere to lay his head, he was at odds with his mother and brothers, who at one point seem to have been trying to take him into what in the first century constituted something like protective custody. To say he was misunderstood, underestimated, worried about, and perhaps even considered a family embarrassment is probably to understate the case.

Yet did ever a young man more precisely order his lifestyle for the glory of God and in accordance with his heavenly Father’s perfect will? Never. Mom’s opinion (and his earthly father’s, assuming Joseph was still alive to have one) never once entered into it.

‘Hating’ Mom and Dad

For young men who love the Lord Jesus, this is exactly the way it should be. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother … he cannot be my disciple.” Most Christians have no difficulty understanding what this means. It is not the abandonment of home and family, or the rejection of duties to father and mother upon which both the Lord and the apostles insisted, but rather the development of a godly sense of proportion about who is the Lord of your life. Christ must come first, always and only. All earthly ties and perceived responsibilities must always be subordinated to the one great goal of serving and living for him.

Will Mom and Dad agree? Sadly, not always. More often, they agree in principle without agreeing in practice. Every attempt at establishing an independent walk before Christ in this life may be met not with a hard “No”, but with an affectionate “How about in a few years?” The latter is deadlier, more subversive, and equally to be resisted once a young man is capable of meeting his own living expenses and ready to strike out along the path to which the Lord and his conscience are calling him.

Songs and Lyrics

The siren song of parent-inflicted guilt has different lyrics, depending on who is doing the singing.

Fathers often have strong ideas about what their sons ought to be doing or not doing, usually based on how they have structured their own lives. They remember what worked for them and want to pass it on, sometimes as a form of personal validation. Often, transmitting their hard-earned knowledge about life is impossible: economics, cost of education, the requirements of contemporary corporate culture and other rules of engagement change significantly from generation to generation. It’s a hard lesson for a father to learn that he may have nothing useful to communicate to his grown son beyond his good wishes and prayers. Still, these are not trivial.

Mothers may have equally defined plans for a beloved son. The worst of these involve entering into losing competitions with prospective spouses (these are always terrible ideas, because even ‘winning’ such a contest with a younger woman comes inevitably at the son’s expense), or pampering their son into incompetence and infantilization. Even well intentioned Christian moms can be too clingy, too eager to have their voices heard and their preferences respected as their son progresses into manhood. The best thing a believing mother can do is give her son to the Lord, as Hannah did Samuel, then work at equipping him to do the job.

Charting Your Own Course

My own parents were very hands-off, and I am eternally grateful to them for it. They were eager to see me walk before the Lord, finding his will and living it out. I’m not sure any great effect would have come from heaping duty, guilt or emotional manipulation on me (I was not the type in any case), but thankfully they never once tried it.

If one or both your parents are not of this sort, my advice once you become financially independent of them would be to respectfully, lovingly chart your own course before God. Even, in the most extreme and unlikely case, if that means you leave behind a weeping mother or devastated father to take the gospel to China — or anything else you seek to do realistically and prayerfully in the service of God — so be it. You will be happier for it in eternity.

If they know the Lord, so will they.