On Becoming Irrelevant

Transitioning from one stage of life to another is never easy.

Aging is part of that, certainly, but it’s not the entire thing. For example, in a high unemployment society, aging may make me irrelevant to the work force. That will likely happen without my consent, and probably when I least expect or want it to happen. Tough luck. I’m now irrelevant in that role, and I had better learn to deal.

It also helps if I am willing to make myself relevant to the world around me in some other role.

Contextual and Partial Irrelevance

Not everyone becomes irrelevant in the same way or at the same time. A good friend retired a few years ago, well aware that the company for which we worked no longer valued or had any place for his skills. The workforce had changed, the product we were creating had changed, and despite his unusual competence and experience, he recognized it was time to go.

However, leaving the workforce did not make Larry comprehensively irrelevant. He did not head for his local barstool and commence reminiscing about the old days. His daughter and son-in-law were both working full time while trying to raise two young children. For three full years, my friend was hugely relevant to the intellectual, philosophical and social development of his grandson. They were glued together at the hip five days a week, walking, talking and working at various things that interested the youngster. A wise grandfather who still had the energy to do something profitable with his time helped shape that child’s worldview and helped him acquire skills he will use for the rest of his life. At that stage of Larry’s life, it was a far better use of his time than anything compensated in dollars per hour.

So then, his irrelevance was contextual and only partial, because he rolled with it. A single man or woman retiring at the same age as my friend would likely never get the same opportunity to share the life lessons they have learned with the coming generation. On the other hand, such a person might have opportunities that would never have been in play for my friend.

Okay, Boomer

It’s not just age. Any major life change will make you irrelevant in some former roles and allow opportunity for you to become relevant in others: marriage, entering the work force, changing churches or cities, the chronic illness or death of a spouse, divorce, your children moving out ... no matter whether the change is voluntary or imposed on you, you must make some sort of transition or risk irrelevance.

For some people, becoming irrelevant in any role is terrifying. They simply refuse to acknowledge that their input, opinions and accumulated knowledge of the world is no longer wanted or required. That’s a sad state to be in, and it explains why many senior citizens are so offended by the words “Okay, Boomer.” They correctly intuit that the younger generation is telling them to butt out. Their opinions are no longer significant. Not only that, but the kids don’t even have the interest or energy to explain that fact politely, knowing that they’ll just get a lengthy argument in response that will change nothing. So they simply dismiss the older generation without further discussion. Yes, it’s patronizing and rude, but it’s also a reality check that older generations need to hear and acknowledge. Your window of influence in certain areas has just slammed shut. Check your best-before date and adjust your behavior accordingly.

The alternative is clinging to roles in which you no longer have real influence, but firmly believe that you should.

The Elder Who Won’t Quit

I’ve watched this happen to certain elders.

Now, I’m a strong advocate for older elders. I firmly believe a man should not take on that role until forty at the absolute earliest, and I make that case here, here, here and here. However, I also firmly believe elders should not be ancient. There comes a time to thank the Lord for the opportunity he gave you to serve and to voluntarily move on.

When your lifestyle finds you in Florida for more than a few weeks every winter, it’s time to reconsider whether you are sufficiently present in your local church to be involved in its leadership. When keeping up with the internal dramas of your burgeoning multi-generational family becomes more important to you than that young kid who just walked in the door of your church building, get a move on. When hearing or vision loss start to impair your ability to understand and relate to the Christians you are serving, it’s time to step down. That age or change of circumstances will vary from man to man, and is much more painful for some men to acknowledge than others, but be sure it will come, and by then elders ought to have their replacements lined up, ready to go or already serving. Spiritual authority has its time limits, and wise men respect them.

Respecting the New Head

The same is true of fathers and mothers. The role of a man or woman with a married child is vastly different from that of a parent raising a six-year-old or even a seventeen-year-old. It requires a conscious, determinate transition some parents find extremely difficult to make. Yet they must make it or become irrelevant (or even an actively disruptive force) in the lives of their children.

Genesis makes this explicit: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The scripture puts the onus on the young man to disconnect from the authority of his parents and become the authority figure in a new and hopefully fruitful one-flesh relationship, as described here. But successfully achieving that necessary disconnection requires the cooperation of both sets of parents, especially when a young couple continues to live in the same town and attend the same church, as is often the case. The alternative to enthusiastically taking on a new role in your child’s life is irrelevance.

Sadly, some fathers and mothers will not learn this lesson. Mothers compete with daughters-in-law for their sons’ time and attention. Fathers offer advice for which they were not asked and which is not wanted. Either may find themselves taking sides in family disagreements that are none of their business. Often, the children politely step away rather than fight about it, and the displaced parents assume they are being neglected, when the distancing measure is both tactical and necessary.

Irrelevance in a long-held role may be accepted or imposed, but it is most definitely inevitable. Every family goes through it. It is wise to know when the time has come.

Embracing Irrelevance

Why do we fear becoming irrelevant so desperately and irrationally? A moment of Christian reflection should help us clear our heads. In a fallen world, my eventual irrelevance is foreordained. Its time will come whether I acknowledge it or not. It must come, because one day I will not be here anymore, and others will fill the roles I currently occupy.

The logical and Christian response to looming irrelevance is to ensure the right people fill those roles wherever possible. An elder may be able to do this if he is proactive rather than simply responsive. The time to look for your replacement is well before you actually need him. In a similar way, a mother or father may have some (usually minor) influence in a child’s choice of a spouse by teaching the spiritual principles on which such a choice ought to be based and encouraging a child who is making wise decisions about his or her future.

Where we have no say in the matter (as in when a young couple elope, or when the congregation advises their pastor that they have no further interest in his services), the logical and Christian response is accepting the inevitable with grace, and praying earnestly and daily for the spiritual success of our replacements.

That includes those we think unqualified for their current role and unlikely to succeed in it.