The Balancing Act

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.”

“Honor your father and your mother.”

God never contradicts himself, and any two of his commands, rightly understood, are never opposed to one another. If it looks to us like they are, it’s because we are not interpreting one or both correctly.

Still, many young couples have difficulty reconciling the command to “leave and cleave” to one another in marriage with their ongoing biblical obligations to parents that continue until they die. For no small number of Christian newlyweds, especially those with demanding parents, it’s a tough balancing act.

Let’s try to balance it by looking at the whole counsel of God on the subject.

The Whole Counsel

Exodus 20 tells us to honor our father and our mother. To understand what that looks like (and what it doesn’t), we need the rest of scripture about how men and women in Israel were to relate to their parents. Much of that we find in the Law of Moses, which may tempt some to say, “Well, that’s been made obsolete. We don’t have to worry about that.” Except: both Christ and his apostles reinforced the command to honor father and mother in the New Testament. We are not putting ourselves back under law when we simply use the details provided in the Old Testament to help us more accurately understand an NT command from our Savior or the apostle Paul.

So how does the scripture expand on that command to honor our parents? What else does it say about how children are to treat them?

In Exodus 21, “honor” means don’t hit them and don’t curse them. In Proverbs, likewise, it means never get physical with them. Parental persons are off limits.

In Leviticus 18, it means don’t get into a sexual relationship with a parent or their partner. Maybe that’s obvious to you, but the law made sure it was obvious to Israel. It wasn’t obvious to a certain fellow in Corinth, who had to be put out of the church there because of a relationship with what was probably his stepmother.

In Leviticus 19, it means to revere your parents, which I think is best understood as another command to respect their authority, recognizing it is God-given.

In Proverbs 1, it means to listen to their instruction. In Proverbs 23, it means to take care of them when they are old. In Proverbs 28, it means never to steal from them. In Proverbs 30, it means to actively bless them and never mock them.

That’s a fairly comprehensive list, and if it was all we had to guide us about relating to fathers and mothers, we might feel obligated, as some do, to respect all our parents’ wishes, whims and preferences for us, however bizarre they might be, until the day they leave this life.

Limitations on Honoring Parents

That is not the case. The command to “leave and cleave” is not a one-verse solo act. The limitations scripture sets on our obligations to parents once we have reached the age of responsibility come early and often. There is at least one consideration greater than the obligation to honor one’s father and mother.

1/ The Rules for Mourning

We find the first limitation all the way back in Leviticus. That same law that said to honor father and mother also said that no priest in Israel was to make himself unclean by touching the dead body even of his mother and father, though the average Israelite was permitted to do so, and it was entirely normal to defile yourself for dead loved ones. Not for priests. The law for priests put limitations on mourning one’s parents. In Israel, that only affected a single tribe, the tribe of Levi. In the New Testament, all believers are members of the Christian priesthood. But the point is that those set apart for the service of God were exempted from the normal expectations regarding parents.

2/ The Commendation of Levi

A second limitation on one’s obligations to parents comes up in Deuteronomy 33. Moses commends the tribe of Levi not for honoring but for disregarding mom and dad:

“Give to Levi your Thummim, and your Urim to your godly one, whom you tested at Massah, with whom you quarreled at the waters of Meribah; who said of his father and mother, ‘I regard them not’; he disowned his brothers and ignored his children. For they [Levi] observed your word and kept your covenant.”

It’s a difficult passage to parse. Commentators generally go one of three ways: (1) that Moses and Aaron (Levites) are commended for standing firm at Massah and Meribah; (2) that Levi is commended for standing with them on one or both of those occasions; or (3) that disregarding father and mother refers to the golden calf episode, when Levi struck down their sinning fellow Israelites, saving the nation. All interpretations have their difficulties, but what is not difficult is that Levi found a legitimate exception to the “Honor your father and mother” rule, and Moses blessed them for making the right choice.

3/ The Ordination of Elisha

When called to service as Elijah’s replacement, Elisha asked permission to say goodbye to his mother and father and was granted it. It is understood that his personal responsibilities to his parents were on a lower level than his obligations to the service of God. Not only did he leave the family farm, he also chopped up the yoke of oxen he was using and threw an impromptu feast for the neighbors. James and John would later do something similar to Zebedee, abandoning their father and his fishing business to follow Jesus.

4/ The Commendation of Jehoram

Jehoram son of Ahab is commended for putting away the pillar of Baal his father had made. “He did what was evil in the sight of the Lord, though not like his father and mother.” Some family traditions are not to be passed on. We do not honor our parents by devotedly replicating their errors. In breaking away from the wicked practices of his father and doing something that would surely have offended him, God commends Jehoram as slightly less evil. The point is that the obedience of children to parents is not intended to be unconditional. Sometimes the parents are in the wrong and their legacy is better ignored.

5/ The Teaching of Christ

Two passages in Matthew are especially relevant. The first:

“For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”

When the interests of Christ and the interests of parents come into conflict, there is to be no competition. Christ wins every time. Again:

“Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life.”

This is even true when it means leaving them behind. So then, parents with believing children do not have limitless claim on their money, presence and affections. Parents who are themselves disobedient to the word of God forfeit any right they may feel they have to direct their adult children. Honoring parents is important, but honoring Christ is critical.

For Newlyweds on the Fence

Under ordinary circumstances, parents ought to receive honor from their children in every way that is reasonable and proper. That “honor” due to them never includes the right to dictate to adult children how (or whether) they will serve and obey their God. Each will give an account of himself to God, and nobody can give account for another. When parents set themselves against the Lord’s interests in their children’s lives or presume to become their consciences, they are asking to have their opinions and wishes ignored.

That is the established pattern and teaching of scripture. Anything else is faithlessness.