I’ve been reading a few comments online from Christian parents wondering how much contact they should allow their children with unsaved relatives expressing convictions or modeling lifestyles antithetical to their values. I mean homosexuals, alcoholics, atheists, practitioners of false religions or woke ideology, career criminals, and so on. The concern is that a friendly, affectionate uncle, aunt or older cousin who takes an interest in one’s child may become, for a time at least, a more appealing role model than the parent who cares for them every day.
Children may be insufficiently discerning, some fear, to appreciate an unsaved relative’s value to God and family while categorically rejecting his bad example.
The Candy Man Can
It’s a reasonable consideration. After all, parents must always balance displays of love and affection with training and regular discipline, something scripture itself tells us is not always fun for the child undergoing the process. That puts responsible parents at a disadvantage. An unsaved relative who comes and goes from a child’s life at his own pleasure has no such restrictions or concerns. He can play the Candy Man whenever it amuses him, and may not care in the least what his indulgences may produce in his relative’s children long-term. Depending on his character, he may even try to subvert the training of the parents if it conflicts with his ideology.
My late uncle tried this sport with one of my brothers and my sister, though at that point his chosen targets were older and very much able to think for themselves. He would poke a little fun at (what he considered) my father’s overly-fastidious religiosity behind his back just to see if he could get a rise out of his nephew and niece, or maybe a chuckle of agreement. Nothing nasty, of course — just light, clever British snark — but nonetheless dismissive of things that meant the most in life to my father. My uncle quickly discovered my brother and sister had their own deep convictions about the faith and were quite able to explain or defend them. If anything, the exchange was a powerful testimony to my uncle.
Of course, a strong verbal testimony is not an expectation when children in a Christian household are young and impressionable, even if they are age-appropriately familiar with scripture. Believing parents who expose small children to regular unsupervised contact with relatives who do not respect the spiritual aspect of their parenting goals are asking for trouble, even if free babysitting or the equivalent provides a genuine convenience in a busy life. The potential negative influence on the child is not worth the risk.
The Illustrated Men (and Women)
Still, unsaved relatives can serve as useful illustrations of the truth of God’s word provided the child has been properly prepared to process what he or she is seeing. When we were very young, my parents were nearly always present when we spent time with unsaved relatives, but they were quite straightforward with us in private about where the beliefs and behaviors of these dear folks would put them in eternity. They minced no words, though we did not always get all the gory details.
I knew one cousin was a homosexual before most kids really understand all that lifestyle involves. I knew an uncle had a serious drinking problem and another was reputed to be stepping out on his wife. I knew there was difficulty in yet another marriage, and that my aunt did not respect her husband. Most importantly, I knew that each of these individuals was either not a believer, or had at one time made a profession and later, for all practical purposes, had abandoned the faith.
Not all of this information came to me calculatedly, of course, but children learn to read between the lines, watch facial expressions, and pick up when their parents have reservations about someone. They overhear phone calls and confidential conversations, and what one child in the family knows, all know instantly. They note what we don’t say as well as what we do. My parents were loving and affectionate to all our unsaved relatives and prayed for them ceaselessly, but they were scrupulously honest about the areas of life in which our relatives were not role models for believers. Mom and Dad were never harshly critical of them behind their back, but their prayers for them spoke volumes. Accordingly, we saw them as needy and lost rather than dangerous or evil.
The Value of a Walking Parable
The illustrative value of my unsaved relatives’ poor choices in life appeared gradually, over time. There is a moral to most life stories: any sinner can become a cautionary tale or walking parable. I had observed, for example, that one of my uncles was not quite a workaholic but had definitely made an idol of his career and the status it gave him in his little community of peers. His pride in what he had accomplished in life was obvious, but I only saw his life as empty of Christ, and therefore of everything that matters. In that, I suppose, I was unconsciously mirroring the views of my parents, but the point is that one has to be aware of attitudes in order to mirror them. I also picked up (and was mildly offended by) my uncle’s polite disdain for the priorities of my parents. His dismissiveness of their faith did not make me question what my parents believed. It told me my uncle was failing to prize something important.
Later in life, I got closer to my homosexual cousin and came to understand how his lifestyle had been a source of great sorrow to him, though he has yet to abandon it. Financially and career wise, he had everything a man could want. In his personal life, he was lonely, needy and desperately sad, despite a history of what (for him, if not always his partners) were monogamous relationships with other men. He was looking for love, and they had other agendas. For a Christian, it was tremendously confirming of the truth of scripture. Our God does not command us to avoid certain choices because he is a nit-picky box-checker, but because he loves the world and wants it to benefit from his wisdom.
Waiting for the Big Reveal
Such lessons are valuable and confirmatory, but in most cases, they come later rather than earlier. The big reveal may take years. Unmonitored exposure at an early age to funny, affectionate, generous, personable relatives with seriously faulty ideas or practices can be powerfully influential, and not in a good way, especially when such a person has all the trappings of worldly success that one’s Christian parents may not.
I believe parents are wise to be candid with their children about the downside to choosing a life like Aunt Janet or Cousin Bob. An up-front, frank discussion of the spiritual, physical, financial and relationship cost that accompanies any vice greatly diminishes its temptation.
There is, of course, always the risk a young or immature child may blurt out what they have been told at the worst moment in the worst way to the worst possible person. I don’t think any of my siblings did that, but it can happen. In such a case, it may be better to wait until the child is a little older to share the family history. Just make yourself a fixture in the room whenever he or she spends time with unsaved relatives.
But don’t leave the conversation too late. If you want the Bible to shape the way your children think about the world, they need to be starting with a realistic view of that world.
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