Love and Conditions

I have a friend in a bad family situation.

Actually, I have a large number of these. Most of you probably do too. No physical abuse, only a little occasional verbal nastiness, but the relationship is not a Christian marriage and the children are not growing up immersed in or even exposed to the training and instruction of the Lord. The biblical authority structure is not there and, at least from the outside, all the love appears to be flowing in one direction only.

My friend proposes to fix the situation by loving the family unconditionally, perhaps because so often we hear that is the way that God loves us.

Does he really? Maybe we need to explore that idea a little.

“Unconditional Love” in the Bible

It doesn’t take a theologian to tell you the expression “unconditional love” appears in no translation of the Bible in the history of the world. It just ain’t there. Even the word “unconditional” on its own appears nowhere except the New English Translation, where it seems to me an imperfect English attempt to indicate the sort of covenant Isaiah was describing in Hebrew. Nevertheless, it’s a tolerable expression so long as it does not lead us to think of God’s love unbiblically.

God’s love is indeed unconditional in the sense that he expresses it in a general way to those who are members of his family as well as to those who are not. He treats even his declared enemies better than they deserve, giving them endless opportunities to repent and enjoy the full measure of blessing that he keeps in store for them. His patience with mankind is astonishing, both corporately and individually, as some of us can testify personally.

God’s love is also unconditional in the sense that it originates with him, rather than being inspired by the actions of others. The Bible teaches that God is not only loving, but the embodiment of love itself. God’s love requires no fuel to get it started. He showers it upon the most unlikely objects. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

But does all that mean that God’s love serves as a useful model for us in every domestic situation, either for parents of unsaved, unloving children or spouses? Yes and no.

Unconditional Love in the Home

Modeling God’s love completely in a home where both partners are not believers is an impossible task. God’s love expresses itself not merely in endless patience and tolerance of misbehavior, but in disciplining its objects for their own good, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves.”

A love that merely puts up with evil with great patience and grace is only expressing a single facet of God’s love. It leaves out the part where God’s love simply cannot lightly abandon its object to wallow in sin, and will do whatever is necessary to in order to encourage us to get out. That might be something a Christian father could model for his family when he is operating hand in glove with a committed Christian wife. But on their own, even committed Christian parents cannot effectively discipline children in the absence of their partner’s agreement and consistent cooperation, and I think you will agree a believing parent with an unbelieving spouse is even less able to express the disciplinary aspect of God’s love within the marriage relationship.

So we can model one facet of God’s love, but we are not able to love precisely the way he does. We cannot give full expression to the sort of love God shows.

Love in Action

Moreover, God’s love may be limitless in scope, but it is definitely not limitless over time. Unconditional love expressed indefinitely only invites its objects to abuse it. God expressed himself lovingly to Pharaoh, who didn’t deserve it. He gave Pharaoh nine chances to repent with limited losses, but that tenth plague was a doozy. Or, to take a believing example, God expressed himself lovingly to Solomon, who likewise didn’t deserve it. He gave Solomon the freedom to indulge his enjoyment of the fairer sex to a state of obscene excess, but when the king started building temples for the gods of his wives, the Lord stripped him of his kingdom.

Now, if we want to be pedantic about the unconditionality of God’s love, we could argue that God still expressed love to Pharaoh even after the ninth plague, when he struck the firstborn of Egypt then buried its army in the Red Sea, or when he stripped the kingdom from Solomon at the cost of turning brother against brother throughout the nation. In every case, we might argue, God does the least painful thing that will still accomplish his purposes. The obduracy of their leaders made it necessary for God to take judgment to another level in order to bring Israel out of Egypt in Pharaoh’s day, or to preserve a faithful remnant of his nation in Solomon’s. But it could have been worse in both cases. Egypt did not cease to exist after the Red Sea incident, and neither did Israel when Solomon sinned. Surely God was being as loving as possible while still keeping his promises.

Huh. It’s an argument. I’m not sure I’d make it.

Conditions on the Unconditional

It might be easier to concede the continued expression of God’s love is conditional on its eventual acceptance. This is true in marriage as well, sadly. A believing partner like my friend can offer unconditional love to a spouse for a time, but neither party will fully enjoy that love unless it is recognized, received and reciprocated.

As Paul put it, “If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” And even when the unbelieving partners stays, we must acknowledge death will end the believing partner’s ability to express love. “For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”

Jesus instructed us to love our enemies, but he did not intend his followers to waste their lives enslaved to the whims of unbelievers. By all means, let those in such a situation express love unconditionally. But when the door of opportunity to express love closes, we need to accept that too.