The Commentariat Speaks (29)

Doug Wilson gets the best letters from readers. This week, an anonymous twenty-something man is hunting for sound advice about a prospective girlfriend with baggage from her teen years. He figured Doug was a better choice than Dear Abby, whose daughter Jeanne writes her column these days. (I wondered how she was still going after all these years; I used to read her when I was about ten.) The new Abby’s readers have just as many problems as Doug’s (more and worse, actually), but Abby can’t give you a biblical take on your issues.

In this case, Doug’s answer is more than adequate. I quote: “If you are going to behave that way, then do her a big favor and break up now.” Now THAT’s telling it like it is.

There are several “tells” in Anon’s missive that are probably worth reflecting on, ranging from mildly suspicious to outright alarming. I point this out not to be mean to a young man trying to sort out his feelings, but because they reflect questionable or wrong ways of thinking I have encountered in others or struggled with myself in times past.

Tell #1: Iffy Status

Most people talk about “my girlfriend” or “this girl I’ve been seeing”. Those are not biblical descriptions, of course, but they are certainly natural ones these days, and they are what we’re all used to hearing. Anon’s description of his possibly-intended is “the girl I am just about to enter into courtship with”. He proposes to have a word with her father and ask his blessing to enter make things “official”. He has known this girl for an indeterminate period through family connections. (I’m not sure what “1,5 months” means. One and a half French months? Fifteen months with a typo?)

“Official courtship” sounds nice and proper, if a bit stilted. The average Christian dad would probably appreciate a young man being up front about his intentions, though if I were in Dad’s shoes, I’d be interested in nailing down precisely what Anon is looking for. Obviously, he is not content merely to see this man’s daughter in family or group settings and ascertain more about her character and prospects from a safe distance; he’d like something more intimate and defined, some kind of semi-official status that will discourage the attentions of other interested young men and shore up his confidence in the relationship. On the other hand, he’s not asking for her hand in marriage either. “Official courtship” is kind of a dead zone between observing and proposing that may result in greater intimacy without full-blown commitment.

Anon also mentions that he and his target are “both in the zone of vulnerability”, but I’d love to hear how this sexually experienced younger girl would describe her feelings for him. A well-trained ear hears the sounds of an awkward young man who has a much better idea of the intensity of his own passions than the intensity of hers.

All told, I get a minor twinge of concern from the iffy status here.

Tell #2: ‘Immense Pain’

Anon really thinks he wants to continue the relationship, but tells Doug this young woman’s revelation about her sexual past with a boy during three years of rebellion in high school when she was still unsaved is causing him “immense pain”. Even if he’s known her for 15 months, there’s no overlap in the relationships, and nothing to be pained about. As far as we can tell, Anon had shown no interest in her at that point. This new relationship has developed since the earlier one ended, after this young woman came to Christ.

Let’s face it, an unsaved teenage girl who gets through her high school years unblemished these days is a unicorn. Is the rarity of teen virginity a good thing? Not at all, but let’s not be too binary about it: in my books, one prior relationship is markedly preferable to five and vastly preferable to the purported average for millennials.

Hey, would a virgin make a better marriage candidate? In certain respects, almost surely. For one, Anon would have no excuse for irrational episodes of jealousy. On the other hand, if this young woman has learned from her mistakes and gotten right with the Lord, she is in a better place than a Christian girl of comparable age who has only retained her virginity because she hasn’t had the same opportunity to sin yet.

I get a major twinge of concern from the excessive drama in his reaction.

Tell #3: How It Came Out

Anon found out about the prior sexual relationship by asking this young woman if she was a virgin. I applaud her for giving him an honest answer. Not everyone would.

On the other hand, if you ever find yourself in the position of this girl, trust me, the best possible way to deal with it is up front and out in the open. “Look, I can tell you’re starting to get romantically interested in me and I want to be straight with you: I’m not a virgin. I didn’t get saved until I was eighteen, and I had a sexual relationship I regret in high school. If that’s going to be a problem for you, I need to know that now, because I sure don’t want to be hearing about it for the rest of my life.”

A confession obtained through putting somebody on the spot with a very personal question is different from a confession offered voluntarily. I understand Anon thought he had to ask at this stage, but because he extracted the information rather than having it offered to him freely, he will never be 100% sure he’s got the whole story.

For a jealous guy that’s a major problem, and I suspect Anon will make it a major problem for her if they continue their relationship.

Tell #4: How Do I Forgive Her?

Anon asks Doug, “How do I forgive her like God has forgiven her?”

Good question. Anon can start by recognizing that this young woman doesn’t owe him anything. He has no right to forgive her and she has no obligation to ask him to. She has not wronged him in any way. Her sin is between her and the Lord, and apparently that has been dealt with. She’s told Anon frankly what her status is. The problem is not her, but his own insecurities about her. He actually spells out his fears: “Fear of comparison, fear that I will be more attached to her than she to me, and fear of not feeling like a leader.”

Yes, these are all possibilities. She certainly has at least one point of comparison. He may not measure up, or he may. That’s a chance he will have to decide whether he is willing to take. Depending how her failed relationship ended, there is also the danger that she has become jaded about men or less trusting than she might have been. On the other hand, she may be drawn to Anon because she has learned from the past. As for the fear of not feeling like a leader, I’m not sure that has anything to do with the girl’s prior sexual experience. For men, leadership should never be feelings-dependent. It’s an act of the will and an act of obedience to Christ.

Frankly, I’m not sure this guy is in any shape to have a relationship with anyone yet, but maybe Doug’s response will clear the air. For all his interest in this girl, Anon sounds like he’s on his moral high horse and isn’t coming down anytime soon.

Doug’s Response

In response, Doug rightly points out that only God can forgive sin, and he warns that Anon’s attitude poses a threat that may feed a nasty, destructive obsession on the part of his future wife: “My husband is sad again. It must be because I wasn’t a virgin.” How do you fix that once you have made it a major issue in the relationship? As Doug says, “If you are going to behave that way, then do her a big favor and break up now.”

When you shop in a used car lot, you get a used car. That’s only a problem if it’s sold as new or has got way more miles on it than advertised. But when someone comes clean with you about a past situation that doesn’t involve you in any way, that should be the end of the matter. “Never speak of it again,” says Doug.

Right. Nothing useful ever came of flogging a dead horse.