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“How should a Christian respond to unreciprocated romantic interest?”

Christians are called to love one another, but it’s a very specific kind of love. “Just as I have loved you,” the Lord Jesus told his disciples, “you are to love one another.” That was the “new commandment” he gave them, and one of its purposes was to identify Christ’s followers to the world. “By this all people will know that you are my disciples.”

If the love the Lord commanded and commended is like his own, it should be obvious there is no element of romance in it.

Nevertheless, I lay it out there as a starting point when dealing with the complex emotions that fester in the ashes of unrequited romantic interest. Both sides of that partnership-not-to-be have Christian obligations to one another. We have not just our feelings but (more importantly) our testimony before the world to consider.

The Sting of Flat Rejection

I’m going to stick strictly with the situation in which one side of the un-couple recognizes instantly that romance is a non-starter, as opposed to the very unpleasant situation that may occur when a couple dates for a good long while before one or the other observes themselves to be on the wrong side of a serious attraction imbalance.

Often, those latter sorts of unpleasantries are, on the one side, a direct consequence of flirting, less-than-perfect honesty or double-mindedness. Where the relationship has gotten physical too early, this can be a form of fraud. One member of the rapidly dissolving pair has written emotional cheques destined to bounce.

On the other side, the misunderstanding may be the product of naivety, inattention or refusing to acknowledge the obvious. Often, both parties are at fault in some measure, and neither party is being particularly Christian.

People who keep a dating partner on a string until somebody better comes along are selfish and immature, and people who stay in a non-marriage “ship” of any kind when they are obviously unloved are either delusional or deliberately selling themselves short. If you want to know what I think about that scenario, I’ve already described it here. That’s not what this post is about.

When Joe Met Carrie

The situation we’re dealing with today is something like this: Joe meets Carrie at youth group and finds himself seriously attracted to her. Carrie hasn’t the slightest idea. She hasn’t looked twice at him that way. When Joe finally screws up his courage and asks her out, Carrie doesn’t play around. “Thank you, no. I’d rather not,” she says, or something to that effect, language Joe can’t misinterpret unless he’s borderline certifiable or a stalker in training.

I know what you’re saying to yourself at this point. It almost never happens like that in real life. Correct. Realistically, it should, especially between believers.

When the Unrequited Affection is Yours

People are different. I’ll have to speak from the male perspective here. I have had friends whose way of dealing with romantic rejection may be summed up with the word “Next!” Upon discovering the current object of his interest does not return it, such a man is grateful to have the issue clarified and is eager to move on. He breezily writes off any time wasted fantasizing about the possibilities and harbors no hard feelings. That’s a healthy way to deal with being spurned, but it’s not common. It shows confidence many young Christian men don’t have. We might call it an abundance mentality. There are other fish in the sea.

Far more often, the spurned believer nurses an ongoing sense of unjust injury, no matter how gently and politely the other party delivers the inevitable “No, thanks” message. I’ve seen this from both sexes, and it’s neither healthy nor Christian. Every believer may have an obligation to love you like Christ, but nobody on the entire planet is under obligation to love you romantically, let alone partner up with you for life solely on the basis of the intensity of your emotions about them. It may take some serious wrestling with the Lord in prayer to recognize the obvious: that indulging hard feelings is not only sinful but also ridiculous and self-destructive. Yet I know at least two cases (one male, one female) where the revelation that their most earnest supplications were forever destined to fall on deaf ears produced in them a childish bitterness that lasted for decades, leading to gossip, sniping, backbiting and endless unhelpful conversations. That should never be. It’s an indication of serious immaturity in the faith.

From Joe’s side, the best way to live out our obligation to love like Christ is taking rejection with grace, humility and tact, and moving on without further ado. No calls, no letters, no texts, no pouting, no pity parties, and especially no complaining to everyone willing to listen. When you feel yourself tempted to go down that road, have no mercy. Kill that attitude dead. Zip the lip and get busy doing something constructive. If there exists one chance in a thousand her mind will change, she knows where to find you.

When It Isn’t

Now put the shoe on the other foot. Say you’re Carrie. The more mature Carrie is in Christ, the quicker she will tell Joe in plain English that he’s wasting his time. Why? Because love respects the value of Joe’s time and energy to the Lord and to others. If he’s looking for a partner and you are dead certain you’re not it, the kindest, most loving thing to do for Joe is to point him in another direction.

Many women have difficulty with that because they don’t want to appear mean, and they don’t want to hurt a man’s feelings. Trust me, he’ll be hurt a great deal more if you’re not crystal clear that his quest to win your heart has zero prospects of success. The blunter you are, without being rude or deliberately unkind, the bigger favor you are doing him. Don’t expect him to read between the lines. A man already emotionally invested will not register rejection any less obvious than a flying knee to the forehead. For one or two persistent characters, even that may not work. He will start “interpreting” language that does not require interpretation. So don’t be subtle. Don’t muddle the message by telling him what a wonderful person he is or what a great catch he will be for some other girl. Don’t tell him you want to stay friends. If you were actually friends, this wouldn’t be happening: he’d already know the type of person you are looking for, or know that you aren’t actually looking for anyone at all. Friends pay attention to that sort of stuff.

Does cutting someone off at the knees like that sound like love to you? Of course not. But it is. It’s one of the most loving things you can do for anyone you are certain you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with. It will cost you by taking you out of your comfort zone. But that’s what Christian love is. Love is sacrifice. If it were easy as pie for you, it wouldn’t be Christian love.