Anonymous Asks (314)

“Is it wrong for a woman to propose marriage to a man?”

Funny story, or maybe not. When I tried to generate a suitable picture to accompany this post, I made 25 attempts with my usual AI tool to show a woman proposing to a man. Eventually, I gave up. No combination of carefully worded prompts could induce the algorithm to produce anything but the most traditional image of a man on one knee holding a ring. I could get the woman to change positions, but I could not get the man to stand up and appear to be the object of feminine desire. Every one of the terabytes of data to which this tool has access was telling it I couldn’t possibly want what I appeared to be wanting.

I had an easier time generating an image of Israel being nuked. Hmm. Maybe we can learn something from that.

Most readers familiar with Old Testament history will flash to Ruth “proposing” to Boaz by uncovering his feet while he was sleeping, then lying down at his feet. The Holy Spirit does not editorialize about Ruth’s proactivity either pro or con, but we should probably note she was acting on the instructions of her godly mother-in-law in a financially desperate situation, not under the influence of pre-feminist propaganda or acting out a rom-com. All we can really say concerning Ruth taking the initiative is that it turned out well for Ruth and Boaz, not to mention the Messianic line.

History vs. Doctrine

Frankly, I find Ruth’s “forwardness” entirely understandable. Boaz’s reaction to having his feet uncovered suggests he was both surprised and flattered that Ruth would be interested in an older man when there were men her own age available. Had she not made the move, he would probably never have considered her a marriage prospect, notwithstanding his screamingly obvious interest in her. She was also exceptionally demure about it, considering she didn’t even wake him up. Nevertheless, since it’s questionable practice to derive our doctrine from descriptive passages like Ruth, we should probably just file that bit of narrative under “inconclusive evidence”.

If we are not going to try to draw conclusions from Bible history, we are going to find ourselves with very little else to go on. It’s not like the apostle Paul banged out a few chapters to the Corinthians on how to pitch woo to your sweetie. Christians from traditional backgrounds dislike the idea of a woman proposing to a man largely on principle rather than prescription. The argument they make is that a woman taking the initiative sets a bad precedent for the biblical roles in marriage.

That generally involves taking the Bible’s teaching about the woman’s submissive role in marriage and applying it to a pre-marriage situation, which is probably a stretch. Even so, biblical submission is the gracious compliance of the appropriate party when two people in an authority-based relationship disagree. It need not mean an absence of discussion or a reluctance to suggest the best way to proceed, let alone total silence. (Peter’s direction to win husbands “without a word” seems more applicable to the wives of men who are disobedient to scripture. No Christian woman is wise to propose to one of those or, for that matter, to accept his proposal.) In short, the case the traditionalists are making seems more Victorian than biblical.

Romance Between the Ears

Now, there is a difference between popping the question and showing an interest. By that, I don’t mean a Christian woman should be falling all over a man or flirting so outrageously that she acquires an undesirable reputation, but simply taking every opportunity to engage with a man who seems to be legitimate marriage material in ways that are acceptable within Christian circles and difficult to misinterpret as “just being friendly”. If you are confused, just read more Jane Austen and scale up the obvious interest by 90%. Keep the petticoat. It beats Lululemon hands down.

Proverbs tells us “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Why? Because a man can’t possibly respond to a feeling that only manifests itself between somebody else’s ears. How could he have any idea what’s going on in the secret counsels of a woman? In Christian circles, I have seen too many cases like that of Boaz, where the man would never have a clue that he could even have a shot with a particular girl unless she threw a few unambiguous hints his way. It can also work the other way around, but more often it’s the man who is oblivious to the interest of the woman. So I don’t have a problem with a woman showing interest provided she is not behaving shamelessly.

Popping the Question

As for a woman actually popping the question, I would say it very much depends on the circumstances. Ninety percent of the time, it’s wiser to wait until a man knows what he wants and decides to make it obvious by getting down on one knee with a ring in his hand after having a man-to-man conversation with Dad. If he isn’t at that point in his own thinking, it’s a poor idea to try to speed things up. There may be a reason he’s holding back. He may not be financially able to provide for a wife. You don’t want that relationship going forward yet, believe me. He may be double-minded. You don’t want one of those. He may have no interest in children. Ditto. He may have questions about his girlfriend’s level of spiritual maturity or potential to make a good wife that he’s in the process of trying to resolve by observation or discreet inquiry. Let him get there on his own time and to his own complete satisfaction.

For a woman who really cares about a man and thinks he’s the one, putting him on the spot with a proposal when he’s not ready for it is poor strategy and may well backfire. And here’s something else to think about: When you essentially throw yourself at a man, that man tends to value your time, energy and attention as you appear to value them, which is to say not at all. I have a friend who lived this. It was not pretty.

Putting it on the Line

On the other hand, when you have been dating the same man for month after month with no apparent forward motion, it is perfectly reasonable to ask him where he sees the relationship headed. Dating is a relatively modern, extra-biblical practice, and endless dating with no sight of the finish line is a recipe for heartache, or at least disappointment. How much time does anyone want to waste on a relationship that is going nowhere?

The thing is that if you decide to ask about a man’s long-term goals and intentions, you are best to accept the answer you receive and respond decisively. A man without a plan is not a man you want as your spiritual head before the Lord.

And if you decide not to ask, what are you really saying about the value of your own time and energy, which, if we are really being Christian about it, are a stewardship from the Lord?